Your Foolproof Valentine’s Day Playlist for Any Situation

By | 2 months ago
We've got you covered—for having sex, not having sex, and everything in between.
2017-02-14-valentines-day-playlist

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Even when the world’s going to shit, at least we can count on Valentine’s Day to make us either feel really good about the fact that someone wants to have sex with us, or feel really shitty about the fact that nobody wants to have sex with us.

Don’t worry, though!

Regardless of your plans, sensual appetite, or current romantic situation, we've got you covered. Consider this your Valentine’s playlist to end all Valentine's playlists.


For when you’re having dirty, nasty sex.

PARTYNEXTDOOR - "High Hopes"

Soundtracking a no-holds-barred porno for two (or more) tonight? Here you go. Bonus points for the over 7-minute runtime, but unfortunately it means it’s going to be painfully obvious if the song’s still playing and both of you are already putting your clothes back on.

For when you’re going to take it slow, say each others name, and not let go.

Syd - "Body"

Because you’re sensual and sexy but not quite a sex-crazed nympho. Bonus points because it just came out, so you’ll also seem “hip” and “in the know.”

For when you’re so hopelessly alone that all you want to do is sit in the corner and weep.

Sampha - "(No One Knows Me) Like The Piano"

Fuck. I’m so sad now. I’m sorry.

For when lil baby got a fatty and she keep calling you Zaddy.

Ty Dolla $ign - "Zaddy"

Great for daytime sex for those working the graveyard shift. Not so great if you’re not actually sure what Zaddy means.

For when you both are Drake stans.

Drake - "Houstatlantavegas"

Ideally, you’d be listening to “With You” on the balcony of an exotic beach villa, both wearing white linen button-downs that flow and sway in the breeze, with both arms outstretched in the air in some sort of victorious power stance. BUT, since Views isn’t available on YouTube, instead you’re listening to “Houstatlantavegas,” spooning together in front of a fireplace while talking about So Far Gone’s 8-year anniversary and how you liked “the old Drake” more.

For when you can’t afford Drake.

Tory Lanez - "LUV"

For when it’s just you and Jergens.

Ugly God - "I Beat My Meat"

Thanks, Ugly God!

For when you’re on the way to the restaurant you made reservations at and you need to prove to your date how into them you are.

Fabolous - "Into You" ft. Tamia

This one is also perfect for those couples that like to do “cute” things like say "bae" or wear matching Jordans or sit on the same side of the table when they go out to eat. Heads up, it's not cute.

For when your feeling ain’t the same and your body don’t want to, but you gotta let it go ‘cause the party ain’t jumpin’ like it used to.

Usher - "Burn"

You know that it’s over. You know that it was through. Gotta let it burn.

For when you’re finally going to make it out of the friend zone.

Tory Lanez - "Just A Friend"

Also, for when you can’t afford Drake or Biz Markie.

For when you have a date but you can’t take a night off from trapping.

21 Savage - "Feel It"

Issa very romantic evening.

For when you’re grown and sexy (or just old).

D’Angelo - "Alright"

Smoother than anti-aging cream. (No shots, though, this is a classic.)

For when you’re having morning sex tomorrow.

Joey Purp - "Morning Sex"

I actually don’t know why anyone would have sex to this song, but it’s a great song. Maybe play it after you have sex, you won't be disappointed and those horns really give off a sense of triumph.

For when you don’t need to have sex, all you want to do is hold hands with that special someone.

BJ The Chicago Kid - "The New Cupid" ft. Kendrick Lamar

“Honey, you’re sweeter than strawberry jam. Who needs to make whoopie when I can get lost in those dewdrop eyes of yours?” Those aren't the lyrics, just what you might say when you put this on.

For when you have to prove that Thugger can make a timeless love song.

Young Thug - "Love Me"

Mumble sex is ruining hip-hop!

For when you have absolutely no creativity so you resort to the most basic option available.

Marvin Gaye - "Sexual Healing"

Dear music gods, please forgive me for forsaking the name of this all-time ode to bumping uglies.

For when Rihanna got snubbed for a GRAMMY. (And also for more sex.)

Rihanna - "Kiss It Better"

What are YOU willing to do? Yeah, didn’t think so.

For when you just read Yoh’s article about Sonder and you can’t stop listening to Sonder.

Sonder - "Too Fast"

“Float like a Sonder, sting like a Sonder.” - Muhammad Ali, probably.

For when anything beyond clothes-on missionary with the lights off is too dirty for your conservative sensibilities.

New Edition - "Candy Girl"

Because you use phrases like “hanky panky” or “making whoopie,” and because sex is for purposes of procreation only. Also great for good ol’ fashioned wholesome fun, like game night.

For when you’re getting head in the whip and not crashing it.

N.O.R.E. - "HED" ft. Nature

Pretty self-explanatory.

***

By Brendan Varan, a.k.a. this guy. Follow him on Twitter.

Art CreditPhilee Hoang

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By , searching for the perfect song and making mediocre playlists since ’91.
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