Insane DJ Khaled Talks to Imaginary iTunes CEO, Adds Most Powerful Servers
I try not to pay a lot of attention to The Fat Guy Who Yells, unless he just so happens to unleash one of the most fantastical, confusing, delusional, hilarious and balls crazy Instagram pics I've ever seen. In that case, I really have no choice but to break this down "Decoded" style. Before I do, really make sure you take the time to read the caption above. Really marinate in it, let it soak in.
Marinated? Let's do this then.
1) There's no CEO of iTunes. That's not a person who exists. Maybe he got confused and is actually talking to Tim Cook, the CEO of Apple? Yep, that's exactly who he's talking to. (Note: There's a 99.9% chance that there's no one on the phone, and he actually just has some intern whose sole job it is to take pictures of him pretending to say important things on the phone. Either that or The Fat Guy Who Yells is yelling at Dominos for not delivering his cookie pizza. It's one or the other.)
2) It's a little hard to figure out who "my staff" is. Is his staff also the iTunes staff? Or does he have a staff that talks to iTunes' staff in order to to give Khaled updates about the iTunes servers? How many times can I use the word staff in a sentence before the word begins to lose all meaning? Staff, staff, staff, staff, staff...
3) First, let's take a moment to reocgnize that in the scenario The Fat Guy has laid out, the (imaginary) iTunes CEO is calling him for permission to increase the iTunes servers.
iTunes staffer (who may or may not also be The Fat Guy's staffer): "I'm seeing that our servers are under a lot of strain from this new song. It's hard to imagine that one song, no matter how absurdly popular, could crash our servers considering 26 million songs are on iTunes in total, but I guess this song is just so incredible it defies everything we know about math and computer science. We should obviously just add some servers to handle the load, right?"
Imaginary iTunes CEO: "No! No one makes a move until I call DJ Khaled. Is that clear? IS THAT CLEAR?!?!?!?!?!"
It's obvious though that iTunes made the right call when they decided to place the fate of their $1 billion dollar a year business in The Fat Guy's meaty hands. This is a man of action, a bandwidth general. He won't mess around and just add any old servers, he gives the greenlight for them to use only the most powerful servers.
4) It's easy to miss after all the iTunes/server talk, but The Fat Guy closes things off by congratulating himself on his success in the third person ('looks like more gold plaks [plaques] for u Khaled"), which in many ways is the least suprising part of this entire thing.
5) The most surpising part of this entire thing? The Fat Guy is using a pose other than his patented "Goddamnit, I forgot my phone charger at home" face.
Side note: How fucking crazy is it that crashing a server has become a rapper badge of honor in 2013, to the extent that rappers are pretending to crash servers like they pretend to own private jets? It's this incredibly bizzarre meeting of rap and computer nerd culture. In three years rappers will be tattooing tears on their face for every server they crash.
I'll say this for the Fat Guy Who Yells, when I'm not actively fucking hating him, he's one of the more entertaining people in hip-hop, and is now in sole possession of the Best Instagram Caption in Hip-Hop History crown. Salute to you sir. Salute. Now if you'll excuse me, the CEO of the internet is calling, I've got to take this...