No matter the city, no matter the sport, if your favorite team is on a winning streak, Drake is suddenly a diehard fan. Unfortunately, Drizzy's nympho allegiances have segued into whispers of a legitimate sports curse. The Madden cover is a curse, that's not even a question. Last year we learned that the Lil B curse was indeed very real. But Drake? I’m not so sure. It was more of a thing to say because it's fun to say things about Drake. Now that the dust has settled and now that we have nothing to do until he drops Views, let’s update Drake’s sporting adventures to see if, in fact, the Drake curse is real.
Case 1: Serena Williams
Started from the bottom now he's here. Drake used to spend his time canoodling with Courtney from the Hooters on Peach Street or that aspiring lawyer he drove to school to take the bar despite the snow, but in August of 2015, he was seen making out with one Serena Williams. Big upgrade, for Drake at least.
Serena was red hot last year and ended up winning SI's Sportsperson of the Year. Come the US Open, she already had three majors in the bag and was the heavy favorite to be the first female tennis player to win a Grand Slam since ‘98, but Drake brought all of that to a screeching halt. Just a few weeks after kissing Drake, Serena was the victim of one of the biggest upsets in tennis history (with Drake in attendance no less) and lost her shot at history.
Coincidence? I think not.
Case 2: Miami Heat
It’s the most Drakeist photo to ever Drake a Drake and it came right after the Miami Heat won the 2013 NBA championship. Sure, that was ages ago, but curses have deep roots and the Drake sports curse is no exception. Since Drake’s appearance next to LeBron, things have not gone well for the Miami Heat. The very next year they lost to the Spurs in the NBA Finals and 'Bron subsequently left Miami for a return to Cleveland, leaving only the dwindling talents of Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade at the helm.
For the past two years, the Heat have been essentially irrelevant. Sure they’ve made the playoffs but unless you are the Knicks or Sixers, an Eastern Conference playoff appearance is a relatively easy task. Entertainment in Miami these days is courtesy of a Hassan Whiteside interview. Once the most dominant franchise with three of the best players in the league, Miami is now a middling ghost town. Local fans have traded in their once worn jersey in favor of skimpy beachwear and are back on the beaches. Nobody cares about basketball in Miami anymore and it’s all Drake’s fault.
Case 3: Kentucky Men's Basketball
In April 2015, Kentucky suffered a heartbreaking loss in the Final Four just a year after losing in the national championship game. Naturally, they had enough of Drake looming about, cursing up the joint, so they sent him a break-up letter in the form of a cease and desist. Sure, some may say it was an effort to avoid an NCAA violation, but we all know deep down they were trying to get rid of the curse. Little did head coach John Calipari know, you can’t legal your way out of a curse.
All the school did was anger the curse and now it's out to ensure Kentucky has a tumultuous 2016. The notoriously dominant, NBA talent-laden squad already have three losses this season, most recently to a lowly LSU team (whose top player is now taunting Drake).
For a school and local community who expect a championship every year, this season might be one of the most disappointing in Kentucky hoops and they have nobody to blame but Drake.
Case 4: Liverpool
The Drake curse has gone global, infecting England's Premiere league. Like most red-blooded pigskin-loving Americans, I don't know anything about the other football—all my soccer knowledge comes from playing FIFA—but you don’t need to understand weird leagues and aggregates to know a curse. Twenty-six-year-old striker Daniel Sturridge is most definitely cursed. Drake actually visited him back in 2014, but it wasn’t until this video of him dancing to “Blessings” surfaced that Liverpool really started to feel the effects of the Drake curse. Just a few months later, Raheem Sterling, one of Liverpool’s best players left the team for Manchester City. A few months after that Liverpool fired their coach and replaced him with Jurgen Klopp, who is now being called out for overworking his players. Oh and Sturridge? It looks like he’s on the way out too.
Big roster moves, coaching changes, chaos among the ranks? Drake’s fingerprints are all over Liverpool's demise.
Case 5: Toronto Raptors
In 2013, the Toronto Raptors named Drake their team ambassador and have even had a “Drake Night” promotion. Since 2013, the farthest they've advanced is a first-round loss in the playoffs. No big name free agents, no awesome rookies, no nothing. Kyle Lowry and Demar DeRozan are pretty damn good, but other than that it’s been a snooze fest. Shit, last year they were even swept out of the postseason.
All signs point to a Drake curse, right?
Drake hops from stadium to stadium like lily pads, but he’s a Raptor, so this has to be his fault. It might be easy to jump to that conclusion, but it’s not accurate. The Raptors have had a long history of being woefully irrelevant. In the 10 years before Drake, the Raptors only made the playoffs twice, both times losing in the first round. If anything, Drake is the reason why they are at all relevant outside of T-Dot.
Verdict: Not Cursed...because of Drake.
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Case 6: Golden State Warriors
Drake’s most recent sporting adventure is perhaps the most damning piece of evidence ever found by people researching the Drake sports curse, but it takes a little outside-the-tinfoil-cap thinking so bear with me.
Drake’s relationship with Steph Curry started on “0 to 100” with the “Steph Curry with the shot” line; made really famous by the Curry’s response. After that Steph capped off his MVP season with a championship. Sure, it may have seemed like the curse was broken, but how do you explain Drake accounting for a 100% increase in Warriors losses?
On December 17, Drake was spotted third-wheeling with Steph and Ayesha at an In-N-Out after the Warriors trounced the Suns. What was notable about that Suns game is that it came just four days after their first loss of the season, which ended their 28-game winning streak. Coincidence? I think not. Curses are not subject to the laws of time and space.
If that’s not enough evidence for you, consider this: a few games after that In-N-Out stop, the Warriors lost again, due in large part to a leg injury to Curry which forced him to miss the game. In the few games that took place after the Drake/Curry burger, the Warriors losses increased by 100% and Curry got hurt. Also of note, that loss and the injury came just six games after the burger incident.
Views from the 6?
Case 7: Kobe Bryant
When Kobe Bryant started launching up JV caliber shots this season the world mourned the end of an era. Little did we know the real demise of Kobe started back in November of 2014 when he and Drake had a moment near the Lakers bench that left Drake giggling like a giddy schoolgirl.
Almost exactly a year later he’s throwing up these shots on a regular basis.
I think we all realized this was Kobe’s last year and some regression was to be expected, but would one of the greatest players of all-time really fall this far this fast? Kobe is so far gone and it’s Drake’s fault.
Case 8: Johnny Football
Coming out of college, Johnny Football was the coolest thing since sliced bread, so naturally, Drake was huffing his jock like scented markers. We should have known, then, it was all over.
In short order, Drake buys the woes matching unis, drops "Draft Day" and boom Johnny gets drafted by the Browns. The Browns! The Tyga of the NFL! In true Browns fashion, his NFL career has been an absolute mess and in 2015 he hit rock bottom. Interceptions, benchings, benders, rehab, more benchings. It’s actually kind of sad.
Things are not looking bright for Johnny Football and he only has Drake to blame. Actually, come to think of it, this might be more about the Browns curse than the Drake curse. Let’s be real, that team is most definitely cursed.
Verdict: Inconclusive. We'll have to wait until Johnny gets a second chance with the Cowboys to make a final ruling. [Editor's Note: This never happened.]
Well, there it is, as clear as day, in the eight cases of Drake's sports nymphomania, six have clear, totally scientifically evidence that the Drake sports curse is real.
Even with the two that aren't 100% conclusive, it's clear that unless you are an unknown rapper with a ridiculous vocabulary, having Drake around your shit is not good for business.
I know what you're thinking: "This is dumb. Curses aren't real." And you're right, this is so dumb. But after reading this I only have one last question for you; would you want Drake around your team? That's what I thought.