If you watched Donald Trump’s inauguration last Friday, you’ll already know how special it was. 39 million people (source: a graph I saw on Twitter) flooding the National Mall to witness a peaceful transition of power into the hands of the most qualified president our country has ever seen. Amazing stuff, let me tell you.
You know what else filled me with hope? Watching Sean Spicer and Kellyanne Conway brave the scorn of the dishonest media and bring back the one thing that’s been sorely missing these last eight years: truth. None of that fancy pants evidence-based logic stuff; I’m talking about alternative facts.
Alternative facts are not only going to make America great again, they’re going to make hip-hop great again. Alternative facts are going to revive rap music from the grave where it’s currently buried and return the culture to its original four elements: guns, bling, bitches and spamming bloggers with DatPiff links.
Here are 10 alternative facts about hip-hop that are absolutely, unequivocally true.
Meek Mill Ended Drake’s Career
Drake should have known better when he engaged in war with Meek Mill two years ago. In the most one-sided beef since Nas bankrupted Jay Z, the internet-savvy kid from Philly crushed his Canadian rival after exposing him for using a ghostwriter, which automatically cancels any rapper’s career and erases all evidence of them having ever released or even recorded music. It’s like that scene in The Departed where Matt Damon deletes Leonardo DiCaprio’s file—it’s that effective. Especially today, when all anyone cares about is how music is made, not what it sounds like. It’s the same reason McDonald’s went out of business. Meek Mill, on the other hand, is Burger Chef: a reputable brand that’s still thriving to this day.
Pictured: Meek Mill flashes a smile during his famous post-beef victory lap.
Troy Ave Single-Handedly Brought New York Back
Before Troy Ave, New York hip-hop was carnage: the dealers had been replaced with junkies, and weirdo rappers were wearing shorts that sat above their knees, which I didn’t know was a thing unless you pulled your NBA jorts all the way up to your armpits. I mean, Cam’ron never did anything weird and DMX just has a nervous twitch, that’s all.
Who didn't have a pair of these bad boys?
But when Troy Ave arrived with hope in his heart and bricks in his backpack, he instantly made New York hip-hop great again. His critically acclaimed Major Without a Deal LP was a great album, a terrific album. It sold out in Best Buy like you wouldn’t believe. A report of it moving 9,000 copies in three weeks was purely fake news fabricated by the dishonest media. Major Without a Deal was, in fact, the highest-selling album of 2015, period.
After eliminating every opponent in his way—including secretly employing East Flatbush hackers to expose Taxstone—Troy Ave has rightfully claimed the King of New York crown from 50 Cent (who has been keeping the city afloat all this time) with higher album sales, a better crew (B-B-B-B-BSB!) and significantly more bullet wounds.
2014 Was the Year the GRAMMYs Finally Got It Right
After years of dishing out countless awards to undeserving nominees like Fugees, OutKast and Kanye West, the GRAMMYs finally got it spot-on in 2014. Scooping three of the four rap awards, Macklemore officially became the best rapper alive that year and not a peep of disapproval was heard. Sore loser Kendrick Lamar had the nerve to trick Macklemore into apologizing for his well-deserved victory ("good kid"? Yeah, right), but history has shown who the real winner is. Kendrick wishes he could write a powerful song about race like “White Privilege II.”
Lugz > Every Other Shoe Ever
Mac Miller’s “Lugz On My Feet,” Nelly’s “Stepped On My Lugz,” Run-D.M.C.’s “My L.U.G.Z.”—Lugz is the definitive hip-hop shoe. With such clean designs and fine tailoring, it’s no wonder rappers, athletes and dope boys have been rocking them for years. While Nike, Adidas and Jordan pour millions into fruitless advertising campaigns, Lugz knows exactly what speaks to the streets: Funkmaster Flex endorsements and full-page ads in XXL. Yo, you see the lines when them Drifter Lo LXs dropped?
With a rubber sole and a Flexastride memory foam sockliner, nothing says comfort, style and durability like the Lugz Drifter Lo LX.
Speedin’ Bullet 2 Heaven is the Best Album of the Last Five Decades
There was a lot of hyperbole being thrown around when Kid Cudi dropped Speedin’ Bullet 2 Heaven:
“The best album ever created.”
“A modern masterpiece.”
“Wow, when Cudi said, ‘no more chicken sandwiches, yes I’ll pay for the damages,’ it changed my life.”
Jeez, guys. Everyone knows you’re right, but give it time! Well, everyone except those nasty haters who kept saying it was a rip-off of Nirvana. Um, who?! Lol whatever, it was probably the same people who said Melania Trump plagiarized Michelle Obama.
Eminem Is the Most Consistent Rapper Ever, Next to Nas and LL Cool J
Eminem is the highest-selling rapper of all time, which has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he’s white and everything to do with the immaculate quality of his catalog. From The Marshall Mathers LP’s “The Kids” to Curtain Call’s “Fack,” this guy just knows how to craft timeless records. Yeah, his face may have aged like milk, but Eminem’s music has only gotten better over time. Why do you think The Marshall Mathers LP 2 won the GRAMMY for Best Rap Album? (Only the second time the GRAMMYs have gotten it right). Oh man, I can’t wait to hear more Skylar Grey hooks on this new album.
Soulja Boy Is the Only Real Blood-Affiliated Rapper In the Game
Not pictured: Draco.
The Game, YG, Jay Rock, DJ Quik, Mack 10—phonies, every last one of them. The only real Blood in the rap game is Soulja Boy Tell ’Em. Go ask your local Blood representative. Or just watch that video of Soulja Boy roaming his native Bompton, being warmly embraced by his old friends and hitting that “Soo Woo” squeak only real Pirus can hit. Everyone knows smacking a phone out of your hand is just a Blood’s way of saying hello.
Every Album DJ Khaled Has Released Is a Classic Album
DJ Khaled is an honest and humble man who has never once told a lie. We The Bestis the best label around, because Ace Hood. Nas’ album is done, because Kyambo Joshua was obviously lying when he said it wasn’t. And “I Wanna Be With You” did shut down iTunes servers, but not because Tinie Tempah’s “Trampoline” also dropped that day. So every time DJ Khaled has called his album a “classic” (and even the times he didn’t), he is 100% accriate. All that stuff about progressive artistry, cohesive sequencing and a sizeable collection of enjoyable songs is what they want you to believe.
Tyga Is the Best Thing That’s Happened to G.O.O.D. Music, the Kardashian-Jenner Brand and Western Culture In General
There are not enough compliments in the English dictionary that can adequately personify the living legend that is Michael “Tyga” Stevenson. While true, calling T-Raww the best rapper alive is a disservice to his Oscar-worthy acting ability (like the time he pretended to be a corny ass suburban kid who couldn’t rap for dear life on MTV), ingenious creative direction (like naming a song “Trap Pussy”—millennial reference point!) and bloodhound nose for “getting in early,” to quote the second most talented rapper in the Kardashian-Jenner clan. No wonder Kanye keeps trying to do songs with Tyga.
Hip-Hop Died the Second Lil Uzi Vert Refused to Rap Over a DJ Premier Beat
To be honest, I don’t even know what I—or anyone else at DJBooth—have been writing about for the last 11 months. The second Lil Uzi Vert refused Ebro’s request to rap over Gang Starr’s “Mass Appeal” on Hot 97, the whole genre ceased to exist. Instant flatline.
What punks like Uzi (what kind of rapper names themselves after a gun?!) don’t realize is that hip-hop is built on a strict code of following the rules and respecting the music that came 20 years before them, even if they don’t like it. Listen close young bull, you better drop them bars when you’re told, how you’re told and over whatever beat you’re told. Capiche?
After all, a prepared, poorly-performed freestyle over an ill-suited beat is the only true showcase of a rapper’s artistry. What else would you bump in the car?
By Andy James. You can follow him on Twitter.