There have been a number of truly bizarre events over the course of hip-hop's history that have directly or indirectly shaped our very idea of the genre and its artists. There was “Accidental Racist,” a Gob Bluth-esque rap/country crossover with LL Cool J and Brad Paisley attempting to end racism. There was the 2nd Annual Vibe Awards stab-a-thon. There was even that one time Joe Budden sprinted at a stranger’s moving car for talking shit on Snapchat.
Through all the years, however, nothing has ever ventured into the far reaches of the rap universe quite like the July 2004 "Sex Issue" of XXL Magazine. In it, close to two dozen rappers were surveyed on various explicit sex questions, in what can best be explained as the greatest, worst, most intriguing, and problematic survey in the history of civilization.
I know what you’re thinking: How could any of this be important? Why am I writing this piece? Has the DJBooth staff been replaced with writers from… [feed cuts out]?
Yet, in some strange, weirdly justifiable way, this survey does matter. It’s a rare, naked glimpse into the way many of our favorite, least favorite, and forgotten rappers think about a very personal topic. It shows us the most bizarre, unintentionally funny, and even borderline irredeemable aspects of artists that have been in our lives for decades, and it’s only right (right?) that I provide you the service of ranking the best of their responses.
Shout out to Crisco Disco, who in 2014 ordered the issue from eBay for the sole purpose of uploading these glorious pages to the internet.
The Ten Questions from the Survey:
How Do You Decide Who You’ll Have Anal Sex With?
Do You Have a Big Ol’ Dick?
On A Scale of 1-10, How Would you Rate Yourself in Bed?
Do People Perform Better in Bed When They’re Tipsy?
Do You Wanna Know If Your Mate Is Cheating on You?
Have You Ever Paid for Sex?
What Does It Take for You To Call Someone A Second Time?
There’s No Better Love Than…
Ropes or Handcuffs?
Are White Folks Freakier?
Let's get into it.
#30: Juelz Santana on rating himself in bed:
“89, because it beats 10.”
Although it’s clear that math is Juelz strong suit, the real greatness here comes from his reluctance to stay within the boundaries of the 1-10 scale, while also still managing to only give himself a B+ on a self-expanded 1-100 scale.
#29: NORE on using ropes or handcuffs:
“None of the above. That actually scares me when I’m asked to handcuff or tie anybody up. The last thing I need in my life is for me to handcuff somebody up and them go tell the authorities and say something totally different than what it was.”
Although a level-headed answer in regards to personal safety and trust, I can’t help but wonder if NORE’s frame of reference for this question was that Seinfeld episode where George gets handcuffed by the prostitute.
#28: Khujo on if white folks are freakier:
“I’ve heard that. But there’s no better love than Black p***y. Damn—right now talking, I’m getting wood!”
Someone needed to tell Khujo to calm the fuck down, and that this was a public setting.
#27: Trick Daddy on calling someone a second time:
“If I called them the first time, then I’ll call them again. ‘Cause if we alright, then that’s the reason I called her.”
This should be a fortune cookie or a Snapple cap. Only Trick Daddy could turn circular logic into something weirdly cognizant and self-aware that dissolves into nonsense fifteen seconds later.
#26: Talib Kweli on calling someone a second time:
“Knowing that she’s receptive to my phone calls. If I think at all that she might not know who I am, or ain’t checking, then I ain’t gonna call.”
Let me get this straight. The only quality Talib Kweli cares about when determining whether to call someone a second time is that the person he’s already met and talked to remembers who he, Talib Kweli, a famous rapper, is? Yet, the only way he would know whether or not she’s receptive to his calls, or knows who he is, is for him to call her a second time, which would THEN, in turn, fulfill his own needs by the single fact that she responded to his call. I might be having a seizure.
#25: D-Roc (of Ying Yang Twins) on engaging in anal sex:
“I don’t like anal sex, I like oral sex. Just give me some oral. There is too much shit going on out here today.”
Has anyone in the history of the world ever actually asked anyone else for “oral”? Also, D-Roc does not seem aware of his own punnery.
#24: J-Hood on paying for sex:
“I ain’t gonna lie, yeah. Not that many times, though. ‘Cause in some states some of them girls get down like that. They don’t give a fuck, they ain’t tryna hear none of that shit. I never paid over $150, and that’s because I paid for like me and two of my mans.”
J-Hood bragging about only spending $150 dollars for sex, split over three different encounters, is quite amazing. Especially when you adjust for inflation in 2004 and realize that even in 2017, that only comes out to $194.44 spent on three encounters. I’m not an expert in this field, but that type of discount almost seems dangerous from a health and wellness perspective.
#23: 50 Cent on if white folks are freakier:
“I’ve never done that, and can’t wait to find out.”
50 Cent responds to a question about sex with white women the same way you would respond to someone asking you what it’s like to scuba dive or try a full month of Crossfit.
#22: Nate Dogg on anal sex:
“I don’t do that. That reminds me of...Yuck. Poo-poo makes the sex nasty.”
Aside from the fact that Nate Dogg (rest in peace), one of the catchiest songwriters in rap history, explains the dangers of anal sex in the same, simplistic way Face from Nickelodeon would, it’s even more interesting to think of who, or what, Nate was thinking of before he trailed off. “That reminds me of...Yuck” is as big of a cliffhanger as a Lost series finale, and the anal sex nostalgia that Nate Dogg experiences in this moment is so traumatic, he literally can’t utter anything beyond "Yuck."
#21: Proof on the best kind of love:
“Head on a boat.”
They often say that true love knows no bounds. However, Proof (rest in peace) was here to prove to you that his very particular, location-specific type of love would not adhere to the norms of traditional romance. Although, he did not specify the type of boat, leaving quite a bit of gray area.
#20: Talib Kweli on anal sex:
“That decision won’t be made any time around me.”
In all honesty, pretty much all of Talib Kweli’s answers on this survey were strange, as if he wasn’t actually planning on participating, but was dragged into it at the last minute. Yet, his best offering came when he responded to a question about anal sex the same way your interviewer’s secretary responds when you call to ask about your job application status.
#19: Masta Killa on anal sex:
“Making the brown eye blue? I ain’t even into that.”
I wish Masta Killa had used some of this same wittiness and creativity on his solo albums.
#18: J-Hood on performing better in bed when tipsy:
“I know I do. Matter of fact, before I even have sex, I need to have a bottle of Courvoisier. It gotta be in the stash somewhere and I gotta have some haze. I wouldn’t want to give nobody no half-job. Gotta get right so I can get the whole shazam going. I don’t want them remembering me on no garbage shit.”
1. A bottle of Courvoisier, followed by getting cross-faded, more than likely explains why J-Hood keeps paying for dangerously cheap sex.
2. This is the only time in history that someone referred to their sex game as “shazam” that wasn’t Champ Kind from Anchorman.
3. J-Hood not wanting people to remember him for “garbage shit” is an ironic statement.
#17: Trick Daddy on if he has a “big ol' dick”:
“King ding-a-ling. I’m the champion.”
Not only are those conflicting titles, but “King ding-a-ling” has not been proven to be an actual position of royalty. I’ll continue to update upon further research.
#16: Jadakiss on rating himself in bed:
“Over the years, I’ve perfected the art. I try to give it to 'em. Eight and a half.”
I can’t confirm, but I don’t believe 8.5 out of 10 is technically considered perfect. I mean, Pitchfork gave Lil B’s Black Ken an 8.5 out of 10. Jadakiss is, apparently, the late-period Lil B album of love-making.
#15: Lil Wayne on if he has a “big ol' dick”:
“That’s what the ladies tell me. I don’t know what’s big or small. I don’t gotta put that mothafucka nowhere but a p***y. The p***y gotta tell me if it’s big or small and the p***y always says it’s great."
Lil Wayne: The Vagina Whisperer
#14: Talib Kweli on if he has a “big ol' dick”:
Someone check Talib for a wire.
#13: Proof on paying for sex:
“Does it count if you buy somebody Burger King? I think that’s low-level tricking.”
I mean this with all due respect, but I hope no one ever had sex with Proof.
#12: Juelz Santana on the best kind of love:
“Me. ‘Cause I do what I do like I’m doing this.”
What I love most about this quote is that if you removed his name from it, you could still tell, one hundred percent, that Juelz Santana said this because it sounds like every single Juelz Santana rap lyric ever written.
#11: Kurupt on the best kind of love:
I imagine Kurupt thought about his answer to this question long and hard. I picture him, contemplating all the wondrous aspects of love, the most important moments and feelings we have when we are in it. Then I imagine the interviewer snapping him out of it, Kurupt rushing to find an answer to the best kind of love, and him shouting out “Meagan Good” like Brick Tamland, only for the interviewer to ask if he was just looking around the room at posters and saying that he loves them.
#10: Kaine (of Ying Yang Twins) on ranking himself in bed:
“I’m on negative four. I’m spoiled and I don’t like to work that hard.”
There are extra points awarded to Kaine for his brutal honesty and complete bedroom apathy. It’s also quite surprising, even in comparison to other weird answers, like Kurupt saying 20 zillion or Bizzy Bone saying he was a virgin that couldn’t be ranked, that a human being could be in the negative. That means that, while Kaine was asking women to “shake it like a salt shaker,” he believed you may literally get more sexual satisfaction from refilling a literal salt shaker than having sex with him because of how lazy he is. Uncanny.
#9: J-Hood on if he has a “big ol’ dick”:
“I don’t got a big ol’ dick. I got a big ol’ pipe. There’s a difference. Separate me from the other guys. A pipe is something that’s long and fat. A dick is just something that can be short, fat, long—you don’t know. With a pipe you know what you’re getting.”
J-Hood, the unanimous MVP of this sex survey, 360 dunks yet another answer with his dick-pipe equivocation. It’s a strange answer, one in which you wonder if he hasn’t already had that bottle of Courvoisier prior to it, in which he tries to justify calling a penis a pipe instead of a dick because all pipes are “long and fat,” as well as stating that he is in sole possession of said pipe. I would like to point J-Hood over to a little mom and pop shop called Home Depot; a place in which they literally sell pipes of all shapes and sizes.
#8: Bone Crusher on paying for sex:
“Well, you do but you don’t. When you go out, take them to dinner, go to the movies, buy popcorn, then you paying for it. You’re not like, 'Here’s $200,' but you know you spent $200.”
Holy shit it’s Bone Crusher.
Nevermind the terrible, insulting, and presumptive logic. Apparently, if Bone Crusher takes you on a date to the movies, it’s a thirteen-hour affair, you’re seeing seven movies, and he’s paying $200 worth of tickets and popcorn.
#7: Kurupt on wanting to know if your mate cheated on you:
“I ride with Mario Winans. I don’t wanna know ‘cause when I do, I’m beating everybody up.”
If Kurupt is cheated on, he’s essentially beating the shit out of you no matter your role in the ordeal. Have an affair with Kurupt’s girlfriend? You’re getting beat up. You’re the dad of the guy that slept with Kurupt’s girlfriend? You’re getting beat up. You’re the guy who works at Subway who served the guy who had an affair with Kurupt’s girlfriend before he went and had an affair with Kurupt’s girlfriend? You’re getting beat up.
#6: Babs on if SHE had a “big ol’ dick”:
“Well, I would hope Chingy has one. I like Chingy, his whole style. I’ll make him grow up. I think Jay-Z does ‘cause Beyoncé’s with him. Baddest chick in the game ain’t wearing [his chain] for nothing.”
Since this survey legitimately feels like the last time we ever heard of Babs from MTV’s Making Da Band, her answer here seems important. Not only does she confirm (???) a thing with Chingy, but then reverses that into an off-the-wall compliment about his style. The not so subtle JAY-Z jab can also not be ignored. Bring Babs back.
#5: Kurupt on whether white folks are freakier:
“No, they ain’t got shit on these Black girls. Black girls are the one. Once you go black you never go back. Blacks and Puerto Ricans. Let me take it back, Puerto Ricans are the best.”
Kurupt may, in fact, be one of Donald Trump’s speechwriters, come to think of it.
#4: Pastor Troy on if he has a “big ol’ dick”:
“I’ve been all over the place dragging this dick around going on 26 years. Yeah, I got a big ol’ dick.”
Although one of the most problematic rappers of this entire survey, Pastor Troy’s answer about his penis paints him as a Christ-like figure, burdened with his “big ol’ dick” like a cross for 26 struggling years, and the one who ultimately died for the sins of all those afflicted with a big ol’ dick after him. A tragic story, when you think about it.
#3: Lil Wayne on wanting to know if your mate cheated on you:
“I really don’t. I feel like that’s what it’s about, if you’re gonna cheat, that is what you’re doing, not getting caught. It’s like playing basketball—the goal to cheat is to not get caught. Asking that question is like asking, if you’re playing basketball, do you really wanna make a shot? I really don’t wanna know, ‘cause once I do find out it’s over. We ain’t working out nothing.”
If you look up the phrase “word vomit," it’s probably just a direct link to this tire fire of a response. After reading this, I’m close to 1,000 percent sure that Lil Wayne has either never played or seen basketball played, or has never made an analogy in his entire life.
#2: Gipp on anal sex:
“I don’t have no anal sex. I don’t do no dookie chutes. I don’t touch the ass at all. But I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it. I’ve been taught from women that women couldn’t have no orgasms from anal sex—but they can. I’m not tripping off those that want to try. Just the wrong move could send a shocking pain up to somebody to where that somebody could be like, 'Naw. Hell no.'”
I really tried to focus on the rest of Gipp’s response here, about his thoughtfulness about the dangers of anal sex, as well as his teachings from women about the female orgasm throughout his life. Yet the only thing I keep coming back to... is... “dookie chutes.”
#1: Fabolous on ranking himself in bed:
“I don’t wanna say a 10 because I don’t be wildin’ out. I think to be a 10 you gotta be free to do anything. I’m definitely not free to do anything. Since I’ve gotten into this lil’ world, I’m not gonna lie, I’ve gotten lazy. I still put in work, but it’s definitely made me lazy. You can’t blame me. They gave me the ammunition to be like this. Like, most girls are like animals. I’m not really an animal anymore. I love sex like the next man. When I’m willing to put in work, I’m an eight-and-a-half. But sometimes a man just wants to get off a nut, so you’re not putting your all into it. But there are times when you wanna make an impression. Or if there’s a girl who’s gonna give you here all, you wanna hold her down.”
This quote, more than all the others, stands atop the rankings because I’m fairly certain Fabolous had an existential crisis midway through his own response. Whereas many of the rappers in this particular section had numbers that weren’t on the scale, numbers that didn’t add up to their response, or just asked for an entirely new scale, Fabolous had a genuine moment of self-reflection. It was weird, halfway sympathetic, and oddly hilarious that he managed to dig so deep on a simple one-word answer and come out the other side with self-deprecation and nuance. Someone give that man a hug.