"I'ma Kill Myself": Desiigner Opens Up About Suicidal Thoughts Following Rap Battle Loss

"I went home and I was like, 'Fuck that shit, I'ma kill myself.'"

Desiigner might appear to be the happiest rapper in the world, always smiling, always joyful, but, according to the artist himself, his current demeanor didn't take shape until, as a teenager, he contemplated suicide. 

"It came from me saying I don't want to be here no more," the 20-year-old told Snoop Dogg on a recent episode of his YouTube series GGN News. "The reason why Desiigner smile, it came from Desiigner wanting to kill himself."

"When I was younger, I had a situation where I was at my grandmother crib. It was the summer, we geeked up, we turnin' up, it's my first time smoking weed, I don't know if the weed got to me or something. But I'm turnt up and all of that, we over there, having a rap battle, and me and my homies—they from South Carolina—are rapping in a whole 'nother style. I'm rappin in a whole 'nother style, from the East Coast. I was like ahh, 'You fuckin' with me?' But I didn't really see the energy as if they was fuckin' with me. I'm young, so I'm like, 'I don't think I can do this music shit, man.' This is all I know, all I want to do is music. So I went home and I was like, 'Fuck that shit, I'ma kill myself.' The second I said that shit, I got scared as hell, bro... and so from then on, I was kept a smile on my face."

While it's easy to poke fun at Desiigner for his hyperactive personality—especially since his rap career is tip-toeing the thin line between collapse and glory—his story, delivered in a forthright and candid manner, serves as a friendly reminder that who an artist is on the outside is never the complete picture.

Desiigner is the latest rap artist in recent months to open up about suicide and mental health, joining an ever-expanding list that includes Joe Budden, Big K.R.I.T. and Kamaiyah.



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