Eminem is one of the most iconic rappers to ever grip a mic, but I’ve never been able to get over his infatuation with killing random celebrities. On more than one occasion, I have had to pause my iPod mid-song and ask myself, “Oh shit... did he actually kill that person?”
Since no one else in the history of journalism has taken the time or shown the patience to get to the bottom of this, I took matters into my own hands, undertaking strenuous research to check on every celebrity that Eminem has rapped about murdering to make sure they’re still alive and well.
This took a while.
Also, this is the abridged version. If I wrote down EVERY example this article would be longer than Chris Brown’s new “album.”
SONG: "Symphony In H" (“Hell yeah I’d nail J-Lo... to the railroad!”)
STATUS: I checked, don't worry, she’s OK.
Jamie Lee Curtis
SONG: "No Favors" (“They blame me for murdering Jamie Lee Curtis, said I put her face in the furnace”)
STATUS: Still alive. In fact, she’s actually filming a new Halloween movie, which, I have to say, is pretty exciting. And she’s still hot. Is that weird? I’m sorry. But, yeah, she's good.
SONG: "The Real Slim Shady" (“And Dr. Dre said... nothing you idiots, Dr. Dre’s dead, he’s locked in my basement”)
STATUS: Dre, of course, is alive, but his Detox album is absolutely dead.
SONG: "Marshall Mathers" (“Instincts to kill *NSYNC, don’t get me started”)
STATUS: Justin is obviously still alive. And it looks like Lance Bass and Joey Fatone are alive, too. Still no word on Chris Kirkpatrick, though.
The Octomom (Natalie Suleman)
SONG: "Psycho" (“Beat the Octomom to death with a Cabbage Patch Kid”)
STATUS: I googled the Octomom and she’s alive and thank God ‘cause someone has to raise all those damn kids. Plus, it’s impossible to kill someone with a Cabbage Patch Kid—I’ve tried.
SONG: "Same Song & Dance" (“Hello Lindsay you’re looking a little thin hon'...... Slowly she gets in and I begin to lynch with 66 inches of extension cord’)
STATUS: She’s alive. Which means we BETTER get a true Mean Girls sequel soon or I'M gonna kill someone.
Brooke Hogan & David Cook
SONG: "On Fire" (“This ain’t a song it’s a warning to Brooke Hogan and David Cook that the crook just took over so book”)
STATUS: The first Google search result read: “Why?” so I’m still not sure.
SONG: "3 a.m." (“...a flashlight up Kim Kardashian’s ass”)
STATUS: Having a flashlight stuck up your ass is painful but not fatal. Don’t ask me for details but let's just say I'm speaking from experience. College was weird.
SONG: "Underground" (“Hannah Montana prepare to elope with a can opener and be cut open like cantaloupe”)
STATUS: I've just been informed that Ms. Montana is a fictional character who cannot technically be murdered.
SONG: "Framed" (“But dog why the fuck is Ivanka Trump in the trunk of my car?”)
STATUS: I think she was just in Em’s trunk ‘cause she was hiding from her father.
SONG: "Buffalo Bill" (“Christopher Reeve's swimming in my swim trunks, “Mister, help me” is what he said to me and then sunk”
STATUS: ...Guys.... I have some upsetting news...