Ludacris—the healthiest rapper in the game?
Earlier this week, Ludacris’ hospitality rider from SXSW leaked online. And I can’t tell if it’s an actual rider or Martha Stewart’s grocery shopping list.
For those of you who aren't familiar with a hospitality rider, think of it as a laundry list of demands. Stuff like “have 10 Red Bulls ready” or “no yellow M&M’s for some reason."
When you think of a big name rapper’s tour rider, certain shallow conclusions sprout in your mind. We picture our favorite hip-hop superstars as hard-drinking party animals. And yes, there’s some booze on it, but Ludacris’ rider may be the healthiest shit I've ever seen.
Also, it’s longer than a Stephen King novel; they’re already working on a movie adaptation for it.
Let’s start with the food. Seasoned chicken breast, wheat pasta, steamed vegetables, fresh fruit trays, a bowl of fresh salad. Is Ludacris’ entourage a group of suburban soccer moms on a strict diet? And everything is organic. Have we lost Ludacris to the anti-gluten brigade? God, I hope not.
This is like my mom pulling out all the stops for a massive dinner for an extended family reunion.
Low sodium V8 juices? 2 cases of chilled FIJI water? Organic green tea? This is the same man who once rapped “I'm lit and I don’t care what no one thinks / But where the FUCK is the waitress at with my drinks.”
I’m looking back at every Ludacris lyric about drinking and wondering if he was rapping about Zico Coconut Water this whole time.
And look at those scents. 2 Jo Malone Gardinia scented candles. I don’t even know what that means. Nag Champa Incense. Is this the biggest party rapper of the 2000s or a 22-year-old white girl who collects crystals?
There’s also an iron and an ironing board, ‘cause why not?
And we may very well be looking at the cleanest man in hip-hop history. An electric toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste. Mint Listerine. One small Secret deodorant. Five washcloths from Bed Bath & Beyond and five drying towels. Two bars of Dove soap.
You wouldn’t expect the dude who rapped “I wanna lick you from your head to your toes” to be so afraid of germs.
Also, one dozen white towels and a bottle of lotion. I hate to be the one to ask this but... is... is Ludacris wacking it backstage? If so, I totally get it. As a performer myself, we all know damn well that’s the best way to calm the nerves before a show.
Imagine getting to hang with Ludacris backstage after a concert. You think you’re gonna be getting hammered and hanging with loose women, then you get back there and it’s a bunch of dudes eating Greek yogurt and ironing their shirts.
Finding out that the rapper who makes your favorite party music has such a healthy lifestyle is the adult version of finding out Santa isn’t real.