Rappers have a long history of bragging about how they “fucked my bitch” (THEIR words, not mine, you judgemental pricks.) It’s a sacred lyrical tradition almost as old as the genre itself. And honestly, it’s starting to make me insecure.
If I were to list every example of a rapper talking about cleaning my girlfriend's carpet, this article would be longer than Migos' new album.
So you can understand what I'm dealing with at the moment, here are a few...
50 Cent "So Seductive" (2009)
“In that big, body Benz you know its a 6 / Got your bitch on my dick, I stack them chips"
This makes me wanna shoot him nine times but we all know that wouldn’t solve anything.
Lil B "Wonton Soup" (2010)
“Wet like wonton soup (swag) / Then I park my car, then I fuck your bitch”
Dude, this doesn’t even rhyme. He’s literally just saying this to be a dick.
Mac Miller "The Spins" (2010)
“Got your girlfriend screenin' all the calls / She buzzin', we fuckin' then you cuddlin' / Like baby where the fuck you been? / Don't wanna tell you she in love with him / So! so! we ain't sayin' nothin' / You could probably tell she bluffin' / Cause she kiss you with the mouth / She gave me head with my concussion”
Lets get #MacMillerIsASociopath2k18 trending.
Drake "The Language" (2013)
“I send all my money to banks in the islands and eat with Italians”
My girlfriend is Italian. Coincidence? Doubt it.
Lil Wayne "Thought It Was A Drought" (2018)
“I just fucked your bitch in some Young Money flip flops”
Lil Wayne might be the only man on Earth who can get laid while wearing flip-flops. Impressive.
If that weren't bad enough, my two favorite rappers of all-time, Kanye West and Eminem, also know my girl in the Biblical sense. On “On Sight,” Yeezus Christ himself proclaims “Black Timbs all on your couch again. Black dick all in your spouse again.” On “Seduction,” Marshall spends five minutes bragging about shagging her. Selfish.
Really, Em? After everything, I've done for your career. After all the times I defended “Ass Like That” against my own morals. And Kanye? After all the times I've defended you to my racist white uncle? After I tried to rationalize your support for D*nald Tr*mp? I’m tempted to buy Taylor’s new album just to spite you, but I'm gonna be the bigger man.
It doesn't stop there, either. On “Yaphet Kotto,” Childish Gambino implied he spelunked her bat cave. Man, I can’t compete with Donald Glover. That dude has an Emmy, a GRAMMY and a Golden Globe. I got student loans, a drinking problem and I think wrestling is real.
Even Tupac, raps untouchable martyr, mentioned doing a horizontal hula with my ol’ lady. Then he faked his death and moved to Cuba just to avoid confrontation. Coward.
Macklemore is seemingly the only rapper who hasn’t porked my girlfriend, and that’s only because he thought he was gay in the 3rd grade.
I know what you’re thinking: “Drew, if your girlfriend is cheating on you with literally every rapper to ever live, why haven’t you just dumped her yet?”
Well, love is complicated. I can’t just bail on a relationship after a few speed bumps. However, what I can do is change careers.
New mixtape, dropping summer '18.