Over the past year, a class of highly-specific new dating apps has emerged. There’s an app for Disney fans called Mouse Mingle. For gym rats, there’s Sweatt. There's even TrumpDating for Trump supporters, which I assume is just an app that locates your cousins.
And, of course, Yeezy Dating, a brand new Kanye-themed dating app for Kanye superfans (read: worshippers) who are looking for love.
Did I mention my prayers have been answered?
After years of awkward one-night stands with girls on Tinder who ended up having boyfriends and/or syphilis, and after years of getting catfished on OkCupid by fat Italian dudes named Marco, I've finally found the perfect dating app for me.
It’s MY time to shine.
Ya see, I’m the world’s number one Kanye fan. If my mom, my dad and Kanye were drowning and I could only save two people, I’d save Kanye twice.
In the past, my love for Kanye has gotten in the way of my dating life. When my last girlfriend broke up with me, she said, “I’m dumping you because you quote Kanye too much.” I just looked at her and said: “...how could you be so heartless?”
But now, things are different. Now, I can finally find a girl who understands me. A girl who won’t get mad when we’re in bed and I only last FourFiveSeconds. A girl who won’t take it personally when I yell “WE WANT PRENUP!” at our own wedding.
For our wedding vows, I can recite Ye's famous bleached asshole line from “Father Stretch My Hands, Pt. 1.” It’d be weird if I didn’t since we’ll have matching neck tattoos.
We could name our daughter Taylor and constantly interrupt her. “Taylor, I’mma let you finish, but Beyoncé had one of the greatest graduations of all ti-,” I'll drunkenly scream as her fifth-grade principal drags me off stage at her graduation ceremony.
We’ll teach our children the ways of Ye. We’ll make them blast “Ultralight Beam” every Sunday morning and we’ll ground them for six months if they ever mention that one time he defended Bill Cosby.
If I don’t find my soulmate within the first hour of downloading Yeezy Dating, though, please believe I'm suing everyone involved. I’m suing the people who created the app, I’m suing everyone who ever downloaded it, and I'm suing Kanye even though he’s not directly involved.
Nobody will be safe.