Who the fuck does this guy think he is?
I hate to say it, but I am sick and tired of Donald Glover. He's good at everything, and it’s making me insecure.
He’s clearly just trying to make us feel bad at this point. And it’s working. What a douche.
As a musician, under his alias Childish Gambino, Glover recently released the deeply layered "This Is America," which debuted at No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 in its opening week.
For most creatives, that'd be more than enough, but Glover also has an award-winning TV show (Atlanta), he’s voicing Simba in an upcoming Lion King remake, and later this week, he'll star in the new Star Wars film, Solo: A Star Wars Story. (For the Star Wars fans reading this, I hope you lose your virginity soon.)
That’s A LOT.
He’s a Renaissance man. He’s like Michaelangelo but better since "Redbone" is way more important than the Sistine Chapel. At first, I was okay with it. I thought, “Donald Glover is good at rapping, singing, dancing, acting, writing and stand-up comedy. But that’s IT. He can’t possibly have any more secret talents, right?”
And that’s where I was wrong.
Brace yourself, because this gets overwhelming.
I recently found out that Donald Glover also makes an amazing spinach soufflé. Literally the perfect balance of onion powder and just a hint of curry. He can also take all his groceries from his car to his house in just one trip. If that’s not enough, he can fold a fitted bed sheet perfectly. Complete straight edges and absolutely no wrinkles.
Unbelievable, right? It gets worse.
It turns out Donald Glover is incredible at the board game Guess Who? He’s able to immediately figure out that it’s Frank just by asking, “Does he wear a hat?” On top of that, he can do a perfect somersault, he knows what antidisestablishmentarianism means, and he can even tell the Olsen twins apart.
You gotta be fuckin' kidding me.
I’ve heard rumors that he once played a perfect game of Skee-Ball at a Chuck E. Cheese in Wisconsin and donated all his prize tickets to charity. If that’s not enough, his friends say he can do a spot-on Nicholas Cage impression. They say if you close your eyes, it literally sounds like Nicholas Cage is in the room.
And I haven’t even mentioned that he’s a world-class violinist, AND he invented the Snuggie. And to throw salt in the wound, he ghost-wrote the screenplay for Toy Story 3 in 2009 during a lunch break on the set of his former NBC sitcom Community.
DUDE. COME ON.
The list of Donald Glover’s lesser-known talents is endless. I don’t have enough patience to write down every single one, but if you wanna know a few more, here’s a short list:
- He breeds Pembroke Welsh Corgis.
- He writes phenomenal Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan fiction on Tumblr.
- He can always find Waldo right away.
- He was into true crime documentaries before it was cool.
- He can recite Kevin Hart’s “cursing at the teacher” joke verbatim with perfect timing.
- He’s the only person who knows how to spell chlamydia who’s never had chlamydia.
- He has an Olympic silver medal in extreme underwater basket weaving.
- He can get you Adderall if you need it, just keep it on the low.
- He once solved a Rubik’s Cube with his penis.
- He knows what Willis is talking about.
- He has a Ph.D. in 18th-century Russian Literature and wrote his dissertation on Vasily Trediakovsky’s influence on modern fiction.
This list goes on and on.
Donald, just go home. Stop making us feel bad about ourselves.
Enough is enough.