Later this evening, Drake will release his fifth solo album, Scorpion. This, of course, means that the day after tomorrow, millions of ex-girlfriends will wake up to drunk voicemails.
After a tumultuous past few months, during which Pusha-T exposed him for allegedly fathering, abandoning, and hiding a son, Drake responded with the sound of crickets. Will he respond on the album? Can he bounce back? Can he reclaim his throne? Did he ever lose it in the first place? Should I stop asking generic questions? We'll have our answers soon.
What we do know is that Scorpion is a double album, whatever that means in the streaming era, for which Drake has unleashed the tracklist. Using only the song titles, I've figured out what all 25 songs on the album are about. I think. Maybe.
An 11-minute ukulele cover of Eminem’s 2013 rap-rock song "Survival" from all those goddamn Call of Duty commercials. A ballsy choice to open the album.
A club anthem. Fifty bucks says the hook will be “Nonstop, nonstop, it’s Drizzy season / Nonstop, nonstop like Liam Neeson,” a reference to the rightfully forgotten Liam Neeson action film where he’s trapped on a plane called... wait for it... Non-Stop.
Drake FINALLY responds to Pusha-T. He also calls out Kanye and mentions that he wrote the hook for ye’s "Yikes." A Lil Wayne guest spot will close the record, featuring the line “Got a boner at a funeral, call that mourning wood.”
Opens with a voicemail from an ex-girlfriend. If I was Drake’s girlfriend, I would never leave him voicemails, knowing damn well they’ll end up as an album interlude. If I was Drake’s girl and he texted me telling me to call him, I'd be like, “Nice try, Aubrey.”
5. GOD'S PLAN
We've already heard this one. It's about a Jewish Canadian running hip-hop.
6. I’M UPSET
We've already heard this one, too. It's about the time Drake's lawyer told him Birdman owes him $300 million.
7. 8 OUT OF 10
A seven-minute spoken word interlude. Drake reviews the new, critically acclaimed Mr. Rogers documentary, Won’t You Be My Neighbor, giving it an 8 out of 10 rating. He calls it, “A delightful trip to the cinema that will make you remember the magic of childhood.” He’s right.
8. MOB TIES
Drake confesses that his musical success is nothing more than a cover-up for the Canadian mob who has secretly and illegally been importing barrels of maple syrup into this great country.
9. CAN’T TAKE A JOKE
Drake angrily raps that America “can’t take a joke” following the outrage over the blackface photo Pusha-T used for "The Story of Adidon," noting that Tropic Thunder is considered a classic comedy. “Coming from 6 it feels like everybody clown me / You call Drizzy a fake but still praising Robert Downey.”
10. SANDRA’S ROSE
You thought this was an ode to his mother, Sandi Graham. It's not. In seventh grade, Drake dated a girl named Sandra, and here, he leaves Sandra a five-minute-long drunken voicemail, telling her that “she can do better” and that she should leave her boyfriend Blake. She doesn’t have a boyfriend named Blake.
11. TALK UP
A reference to the social media circus that exploded after the Pusha-T shenanigans. Drake, of course, brushes it off, encouraging us to “talk it up” because it doesn’t phase him. A lot of annoying frat bros will use the lyrics as a template for quotes about ignoring the haters.
12. IS THERE MORE
Drake wrestles with the stresses of fame and wonders if there’s more to life. “It’s hard to date, been lookin for a spouse / Got a guard at the gate to keep my son out my house.”
Literally just "God’s Plan" again, but with different drums. How did he think no one would notice this?!
2. SUMMER GAMES
A five-minute song about the Summer Olympics, specifically, the 2008 Beijing games. Ghostwritten by Michael Phelps.
A love letter to Jada Pinkett Smith where talks about being “hated” but it doesn’t matter ‘cause Jada got him “Jaded.” Atrocious. Ghostwritten by me.
4. NICE FOR WHAT
We’ve already heard the one, too. It's about that one time Drake and Murda Beatz were playing NBA 2K and Drake's Kings beat Murda's Warriors on a last second three-point shot by Buddy Hield. "Nice for what!" Drake exclaimed, chucking his controller at OB OBrien's head.
Just a cover of Bruno Mars’ single of the same name. And by cover, I mean he literally put his phone up to a radio and recorded the song. Poor mix.
6. RATCHET HAPPY BIRTHDAY
THE party anthem of 2018. I can already smell the white girls appropriating this song. I can already see the buses of sorority girls singing this at the top of their lungs and forgetting to skip the n-bomb.
7. THAT’S HOW YOU FEEL
I’m not sure what this song is about, but the lyrics will definitely be the caption for every Instagram selfie for at least the next six months.
8. BLUE TINT
A VERY HARSH diss track aimed at Blue Ivy Carter. Unnecessarily cruel and completely random. This could end his career.
9. IN MY FEELINGS
The A SIDE has "Emotionless," but the B SIDE has "In My Feelings"? Guys, call me crazy, but I'm starting to think Drake is an emotional, complicated guy who lives a luxurious lifestyle but also struggles with loneliness and the stresses of fame. I could be wrong, though.
10. DON’T MATTER TO ME
The title is a reference to what Drake says when we hear updates about his son’s life. A club banger.
11. AFTER DARK
Drake just discovered HBO After Dark. He expresses excitement about this discovery but then expresses disappointment that HBO porn is way too softcore. “At first I was psyched, saw naked bitches on the screen / But I can’t even see the pussy, this shit is just mean.”
12. FINAL FANTASY
Drake is finally forcing to Sony to release the Final Fantasy 7 that the streets have been waiting for. Original title: "God's Plan."
13. MARCH 14
People are speculating that this track is called "March 14" because that’s the date Drake was in Wyoming with Kanye. Wrong. "MARCH 14" is National Steak and Blowjob Day. Seriously. Imagine Drake rapping, “Ugh, lay on the bed / Give me the steak.” You don’t need to. ‘Cause you’re gonna hear that shit very soon.