I'm still heartbroken over the beef between JAY-Z and Kanye West. They’re two of my favorite artists, so naturally, I feel like a child of divorce. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to sound insensitive. I know that what I'm feeling isn’t ACTUALLY as bad as being the child of divorced parents. This is way worse.
They were once close friends. They recorded Watch the Throne together, they killed Bin Laden together, they wrote and directed the Lord of the Rings trilogy together under the fake name “Peter Jackson.”
But things have gone sour. In 2016, Kanye attacked Jay in an infamous onstage rant during his Saint Pablo Tour. Hov has verbally sniped Mr. West multiple times since that regretful night. The universe has been off-kilter ever since.
So how can we make them friends again? Well, I have five ideas, each one more brilliant than the last.
1. FORCE THEM TO RECORD WATCH THE THRONE 2 AT GUNPOINT
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Once they start creating another album together, they’ll remember they make a dazzling creative duo and they’ll forget why they even fought in the first place. I’ll just use a spray-painted water gun. I'm not a monster.
Plus, the traumatic experience of being held hostage and forced to record an entire album will create an unbreakable bond between them. It sounds fucked up, but you’ll be thanking me once “Otis Pt. II: Electric Boogaloo” reaches No. 1 on the Hot 100.
2. IMPEACH TRUMP SO KANYE’S SUPPORT FEELS IRRELEVANT
Kanye’s awkward bromance with 45 is still a massive elephant in the room. If my buddy tweeted a picture of himself with a MAGA hat and called slavery a choice, I'd definitely stop inviting him to Taco Tuesdays.
But if we grab Trump by the pu**y and drag his racist ass out of the White House, Kanye’s support for him won't feel quite as drastic. It’ll go from “Kanye, why the fuck do you support Trump?!” to “LMAO remember when you supported Trump? That weed was too strong.”
3. HAVE KANYE BLAST A LOVE SONG OUTSIDE JAY-Z’S WINDOW WITH A BOOMBOX
This classic trope (originally from the 1989 film Say Anything) is a perfect way for Ye to win back Jay’s heart. One night, Jay will stumble into bed after putting the kids to sleep, but before he can drift off into la-la land, he'll hear some wonderful music. He’ll look out the window and sure enough, there’s Yeezus Christ, holding up a boombox with a single tear running down his cheek. Beautiful.
If he wants to do a recent love song, “Never Be the Same” by Camila Cabello is the jam. If he wants to do something a little more classic, “Let’s Stay Together” by Al Green will definitely get the job done. Extra points if it’s on a rainy night.
4. JAY-Z CAN RUSH THROUGH THE AIRPORT AND STOP KANYE BEFORE HE BOARDS A PLANE TO PARIS TO STUDY ABROAD FOR THE SUMMER
We’ve seen this move in a trillion romantic comedies, and it always works. Jay will be sprinting through airport security. A TSA lady will stop him, but he’ll tell her that he’s doing this in the name of love. The TSA lady will just smile and say, “Go get her, son!”
Right as Ye is about to board a plane to Paris for the summer, Jay will holler “STOP” and deliver a heartfelt speech in front of a large crowd of strangers. This will end in a big hug, and the strangers will applaud. You’re welcome.
5. THE “PARENT TRAP” METHOD
For those of you haven’t seen the classic 1998 Disney film The Parent Trap—first off, shame on you. But second off, the plot of this movie is the perfect blueprint for reuniting Jay and Ye. In the film, two twin sisters trick their divorced parents into getting back together.
I’ll text Kanye, “Jay wants to apologize to you, come hang with us at Applebees tonight.” Then I'll text Jay like, “Kanye wants to apologize to you, come hang with us at Applebees tonight." The three of us hang out, have a great time, eat some mozzarella sticks, and Jay and Ye become best buddies again. BOOM, I just Parent Trap’d the fuck out of this thing. Plus, I haven't been to Applebees in years. Everyone wins.