I Called All My Friends at 3 a.m. About Eminem's New 'Kamikaze' Album & Now I Have No Friends

'Kamikaze' hit me pretty hard.
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Last night at 3 a.m. I called all my friends individually just to scream, “EMINEM JUST DROPPED AN ALBUM, THIS IS NOT A DRILL.” Needless to say, I no longer have any friends.

Eminem is my favorite artist, but Eminem stans can be SUPER obnoxious. If I wanted to hang out with spoiled, suburban white kids who were always angry for no reason, I’d hang out with myself.

But in 2018, Shady has never been more violently polarizing. You can't tweet “I like Eminem” without a furious army of young rap fans kidnapping your grandmother and sending you the ransom note that reads, “Say Eminem is trash or you’ll never see Barbara again.”

Last year, Eminem dropped Revival, an album that was widely considered a massive misfire. His lyric “Your booty is heavy duty like diarrhea” was such a national tragedy that Bruce Springsteen did a charity concert for the victims and their families.

Revival became Exhibit A for why Eminem is a falling star, crashing down from his legendary status with the velocity of a drunken helicopter pilot. 

So what did Eminem do? He got REALLY angry, got in a booth, rapped his ass off, and called it Kamikaze.

I say this positively: the rapping on this album is fucking exhausting.

Em barfs bars at a dizzying pace, sounding like he’s about to physically explode into a giant cloud of “Eminem Is Still Problematic” Buzzfeed thinkpieces. I’m convinced Eminem has never taken a breath in his life.

Make no mistake, Kamikaze is a 45-minute response to all the Revival backlash. Eminem apparently read every negative Revival review 97 times while doing jumping jacks and smoking bath salts through a firehose.

He’s rapping like his career depends on it. He’s rapping like someone pulled a gun on him and told him to spit the craziest bars possible or else he’ll have to share a hotel room with Louis C.K. for a weekend.

And he never stops dropping names the whole time. He mentions Donald Trump, the 45th president of the United States, Mike Pence (probably the 46th president of the United States) and even Lil Yachty (definitely the 47th president of the United States).

Em talks about mumble rappers the way Trump talks about immigrants; I kept expecting him to propose a plan that we build a wall around mumble rappers and make Young Thug pay for it.

He sounds like the rap equivalent of a seventh grader who found out his family is moving next year and is no longer afraid to tell his classmates he’s always hated them.

I have a list of all the people I heard Slim diss on this album. I probably forgot some names but here’s who I remember (in no particular order):

  • Joe Budden
  • Charlamagne Tha God
  • DJ Akademiks
  • Tyler, The Creator
  • Earl Sweatshirt
  • Machine Gun Kelly
  • Lord Jamar
  • Drake
  • Lil Pump
  • Lil Xan
  • Lil Yachty
  • The GRAMMYs
  • Donald Trump
  • Mike Pence
  • French existentialist philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre
  • My uncle Dave
  • Your uncle Dave
  • That one teacher who always said, “The bell doesn’t dismiss you, I do.”
  • Garfield
  • Marmaduke
  • People who still think Jamba Juice is good for you
  • The country of Switzerland
  • The entire cast of Saved by the Bell

And that’s literally just the first 30 seconds of the opening track. I had to re-listen to the whole album to make sure he didn’t diss me, too.

The best way to describe Kamikaze is with that famous climactic scene from Training Day. Imagine that Denzel is Eminem, speaking to the rap world. 

But despite anyone’s opinions on the album, I will never forgive Marshall for what he just did to my social life.

I woke up this morning to dozens of texts from my buddies expressing their anger about these voicemails. This is what I'm dealing with here:

HANNAH, 9:34 a.m.

“u really left me a voicemail at 3 JUST to tell me that there’s a new Eminem album?! I thought there was an emergency, what the fuck is wrong with u”

ERIK, 10:17 a.m.

“Dude, if I was trapped in a room and the only way I could leave is if I listened to the new Eminem album, I'd move in.”

MOM, 10:33 a.m.

“Drew, I saw that you left a 3 am voicemail and got worried sick.. then I noticed it was just about an Eminem album? For years I wanted to tell you this..... you were a mistake.”

GRANDPA, 11:06 a.m.

“For the last time, your grandfather is dead and this is no longer his phone number. Please stop contacting this number. -Frank”

JON, 11:37 a.m.

“BRO. STOP WITH THE DRUNKEN VOICEMAILS. It was funny at first but its getting PATHETIC. U need to get ur fuckin life together...btw I agree this album is better than Revival.”

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