It. Finally. Makes. Sense.
As the world’s biggest Eminem stan, I take no joy in writing this article. Shining a spotlight on this scandal may demolish Marshall’s prolific career and stamp an ugly asterisk on his musical legacy. But in the name of journalistic integrity, I’m morally obligated to let America know the truth.
I never thought my writing career would lead to me Hannibal Buress-ing my favorite rapper, but life is unpredictable. After years of research, I’ve reached a conclusion: Marshall Mathers is still going through puberty.
It's true. Eminem has a rare condition whereby he’s an adult who still hasn’t finished the process of puberty. Maybe it’s a genetic crapshoot, maybe it was caused by years of drug use, maybe he pissed off a wizard. I have no idea how this happened, I just know that it’s serious. The evidence is overwhelming, and it's damning.
To be clear, I did not write this piece to bash Eminem. Actually, to the contrary. I wrote it because I love Eminem, and I'm concerned. Look at all of this evidence, and try to tell me I'm wrong. This is not a musical opinion, it’s a medical emergency.
EXHIBIT A: Eminem didn’t start growing facial hair until a year ago.
Isn’t it bizarre that Eminem has been a global superstar for two decades, yet we never saw him with ANY facial hair until a year ago?
For years we’ve seen his pale face at awards shows, in music videos, and even in Seth Rogen movies, yet we never saw him with a beard until 2017? In his mid-40s?
The average male starts shaving at age 14, according to a statistic that I just made up. Why is Eminem 30 years late to the game?
EXHIBIT B: Eminem looks suspiciously young.
Eminem is almost 46 years old and he’s a recovering drug addict. Yet other than the addition of his (late) beard, he looks exactly the same as he did in 8 Mile, a film that hit theaters 16 years ago.
Plus, he’s a white dude. As a fellow Caucasian, I can confidently claim that the average white guy ages like a McDonalds milkshake. My uncle Jim is two years younger than Eminem, yet he looks two decades older than Eminem.
How is that possible, other than my family’s bad genetics?
EXHIBIT C: Eminem has constant mood swings.
Eminem’s discography is a hectic, bipolar roller coaster. He’s very emotionally unpredictable. He has the attention span of a toddler that put bath salts in his Cookie Crisp and the temper of the 45th President of the United States.
One minute he’s crooning a gentle ballad for his children, the next minute he’s hollering about stabbing his wife. This dude is never in the same mood for more than five minutes.
Hell, just listen to his newly-released album Kamikaze, during which he spends 13 tracks dissing everyone in the Western Hemisphere and reading aloud the social security number of every rapper in the game.
Why is he so angry? Fuckin' puberty.
EXHIBIT D: Eminem keeps lashing out at his parents.
In the past, Em has dedicated a lot of energy to attacking his mom, with songs like “Cleanin' Out My Closet” and “My Mom.” And don’t even get me started on how he’s always angry at his father. You know who else is constantly picking fights with their parents? Moody-ass teenagers.
In the sixth grade, I would constantly get into fights with my mom when she told me that I needed to clean my room. It was basically just “Cleanin' Out My Closet” without a beat, and without me cleaning out my closet.
Taking your anger out on your mother? Classic teenager move. Don't blame Marshall, blame hormones.
EXHIBIT MMLP: Eminem's sexual perversion mirrors that of a hormonal seventh grader.
Eminem is never the most mature man in the room. He’s constantly referencing his genitals and repeatedly makes juvenile sex jokes. What kind of a grown man does this, other than me?
On "Fack," he raps in a Cartman voice about shoving a gerbil up his ass. On "Ass Like That" he raps, “You make my pee pee go da doing doing doing.” And Relapse is filled with more gross rape jokes than you can shake a Louis C.K. DVD at. Does this sound like the behavior of a grown man? Or does it sound like a seventh grader trying to make his friends laugh?
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