The year is 2025.
Yeezys have replaced traditional money as a form of currency. Subsequently, 14-year-old hypebeasts are now technically trillionaires while the rest of us live in extreme poverty. Owning fake Yeezys is now considered a felony, punishable by death via electric chair and/or being forced to listen to a 6ix9ine album.
This is America under President Kanye West.
The lyrics to “Father Stretch My Hands, Pt. 1” are the new pledge of allegiance. Every morning, schoolchildren across America stand up to salute the flag and pledge those sacred words: “If I fuck this model, and she just bleached her asshole, and I get bleach on my T-shirt, I’mma feel like an asshole.”
God bless Kanye’s America.
On top of all that, Vice President Lil Pump just issued a government grant that provides the homeless community with Versace robes and leather jogging pants.
What you’re reading right now is a picture-perfect portrait of America’s future. Since 2015, Kanye has publicly flirted with the idea of running for commander-in-chief. In a recent interview, he reaffirmed his political aspirations, saying he would run in 2024. This is presumably to let Trump serve an eight-year term, but maybe Donald will get eaten by a pack of wolves before that.
But if Kanye did get elected, what would it look like? Let’s dive a little deeper into Kanye’s America.
It's now 2027 and President West just passed a new bill through Congress. Listening to Taylor Swift is now officially illegal (except for "Blank Space" because that song fuckin' SLAPS.)
But the West Administration isn't perfect. A massive sex scandal will shake America to its core.
It's now 2028, and President West has been hit with allegations of fidelity. Despite the fact that he released multiple songs implying he's had sex with other women after he married his wife, multiple women have come forward to admit that Kanye did not have sex with them. Fox News blasts Kanye, with Bill O’Reilly (yeah, he's back) saying, “This is not what the Republican Party stands for.”
T-Pain has been appointed as a Supreme Court justice, replacing Ruth Bader Ginsberg after we discover that she’s been dead for two years and Democrats have been putting sunglasses on her corpse and pretending she’s alive in a Weekend at Bernie's-type prank.
In addition to Justice Teddy Penderazdoun, President West has completely reshaped our country's senior officials.
Here are a few of the people in President West’s cabinet:
- SECRETARY OF STATE: Travis Scott
- SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY: John Legend
- SECRETARY OF STATE: a white guy who still uses the word “swag” un-ironically
- ATTORNEY GENERAL: Shmanye Shmest (Kanye himself, wearing a fake mustache)
- SECRETARY OF INTERIOR: I don’t know what Secretary of Interior means. Let’s just move on.
- SECRETARY OF ENERGY: Every member of BROCKHAMPTON melded together using groundbreaking technology.
- SECRETARY OF LABOR: a DJBooth commenter who hates this article.
- SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: Anthony Fantano, who will selfishly give our armed forces “a light 6.”
Through strenuous research (really just listening to four recent Kanye interviews and pulling quotes), I've also gathered predictions about Kanye's platforms and policies. I have included some of them below.
KANYE ON TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMICS: “That method is not great for business.”
Kanye is fiscally liberal, believing that trickle-down economics is detrimental for small businesses.
KANYE ON HEALTH CARE: “You're not gonna cure the cancer.”
Unbelievable. I love Kanye but I can't say I agree with him on this. His belief is that cancer is impossible to cure so we should just completely stop trying. Very pessimistic. Very selfish.
KANYE ON FOREIGN POLICY: “Just don't bring me into it.”
An interesting platform. Kanye doesn't want our country to intervene in the politics of other countries. He’s all about focusing on America. I think we can all get on board with that.
KANYE ON THE ELDERLY: “I don't have a problem with problems, I have a problem with old problems.”
WOW. Pretty harsh. Kanye refers to elderly people as “old problems.” He sees the elderly community as a nuisance to our economy and he plans to cut social security benefits. Effective, but cruel.
KANYE ON WOMEN’S RIGHTS: “I still look at Pornhub.”
A deceptively simple statement, Kanye loves women’s bodies so much that he wants to them have a right to choose what to do with them. Decidedly pro-choice.
KANYE ON DRUGS: “I’m one that goes high.”
Kanye is open about his enthusiasm for drugs and how he loves to “go high," therefore he believes that all narcotics should be decriminalized. A polarizing but intriguing idea.
KANYE ON THE MEDIA: “What I think is interesting in this world is... looking for soundbites.”
Kanye is 100% right. I HATE when writers look for soundbites and take quotes out of context.
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