Why the fuck does Christmas get all the songs?
On December 1, your mom dusts off the Christmas CDs and blasts them nonstop for 25 days like an obnoxious frat boy showing off his EDM mixtape. Think of all the Christmas songs out there: “Jingle Bells," “Little Drummer Boy,” “Winter Wonderland,” “Hot In Herre” and countless others. But there aren't any Thanksgiving songs (at least as far as I know).
That changes today.
I prefer Thanksgiving to the rest of the holidays. Think of all your favorite Thanksgiving traditions. You stuff your face with all the food in the world until you look like Chris Christie. You watch football with your dad. You get in political arguments with your racist uncle.
But Thanksgiving needs a song. And I nominate "Family Business."
A standout selection from Kanye’s classic debut album The College Dropout, “Family Business” is the quintessential Thanksgiving anthem, a song that paints a perfect portrait of a family gathering like a sonic Norman Rockwell painting. Listen to it and try to not be filled with childlike joy. “Family Business” is like listening to a trillion pug puppies eat cupcakes while sledding down a rainbow with Mr. Rogers.
The lyrics are impossibly wholesome, especially for a dude who recently rapped, “I love your titties ‘cause they prove I can focus on two things at once.”
These verses put Thanksgiving, growing up ,and family under a perfectly accurate lyrical microscope.
“As kids we used to laugh,
Who knew that life would move this fast?”
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“Grandma, get 'em shook up
Aw naw, don't open the photo book up
I got an Aunt Ruth that can't remember your name
But I bet them Polaroids'll send her down memory lane"
“You know that one auntie, you don't wanna be rude
But every holiday nobody eatin' her food”
“Y'all gon' sit down, have a good time this reunion
And drink some wine like Communion
And act like everything fine and if it isn't
We ain't lettin' everybody in our family business”
“If I fuck this model,
And she just bleached her asshole,
And I get bleach on my t-shirt,
Imma feel like an asshole”
Ok, that last one is a from a totally different Kanye song, but my point still stands.
It doesn't even matter that the song wasn't even about Kanye's family. Next year, once the calendar hits November 1, we need to blast “Family Business” all month long to get in the Thanksgiving spirit. Children's choirs need to sing it. There needs to be a corny, straight-to-TV movie called “Family Business” that’s based on the song. It’ll play on ABC nonstop all of November even though it’s terrible because it’s a family tradition and Orlando Jones is in it.
"Family Business" needs to be as deeply embedded into mainstream culture as “Jingle Bells.” In 2029, we need people to complain like, “Goddammit, it’s October 11 and I already heard ‘Family Business’ on the radio. They start playing it earlier and earlier every year.”
Santa is to Christmas what Kanye will be to Thanksgiving. We’ll tell kids to be good all year or else Kanye Clause won’t give us any turkey. There will be Kanyes at the mall and kids will sit on Ye’s lap to tell him what kind of jello they want under the Yeezus Tree. And we'll need to wait until they’re older to tell our kids that Old Kanye no longer exists.
“Family Business” will be the Thanksgiving song. A cultural landmark deeply embedded into society, as American as apple pie and NFL stadium brawls. It won't truly be Thanksgiving until your mom starts playing it.
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