Rap is a braggadocious art form. But what happens when rappers brag about bizarre stuff that you shouldn't necessarily brag about? Weird flexes are some of the most unintentionally beautiful moments in music.
In no particular order whatsoever, here are the 25 weirdest flexes in rap history.
LIL WAYNE can crap as much as his heart desires.
Song: "Steady Mobbin"
Lyric: “Big house, long hallways / Got 10 bathrooms, I could shit all day”
I’m picturing Wayne literally running from bathroom to bathroom and making sure he craps a little bit in each one and it’s the funniest thing I've seen.
EMINEM is the rap game.... George W. Bush
Song: "Love Me"
Lyric: “I’m the equivalent of what would happen if Bush rapped”
I think it’s a bit dramatic but I understand the instinct to compare Revival to the Iraq War.
MACKLEMORE brags about his sexual prowess by comparing himself to a Shel Silverstein book.
Lyric: “She said 50 Shades of Grey was the best read / I'm more of a Giving Tree type of guy, Shel Silverstein”
I’m more of a Where the Sidewalk Ends guy but to each his own.
CARDI B wears leather pajamas.
Lyric: “All my pajamas is leather.”
This CAN’T be comfortable, right? But at the same time, stunting in your sleep is an unprecedented move and I honestly respect it.
MAGOO is neighbors with the popular '90s boy band Hanson.
Song: "All Y’all"
Lyric: “Living in a mansion next to Hanson”
Part of me wants to make fun of this flex, but I can't even pretend “MMMBop” isn’t a jam.
KENDRICK LAMAR is a proud premature ejaculator.
Song: "Backseat Freestyle"
Lyric: “And it make me cum fast, but I never get embarrassed"
This may very well be the most selfish flex the world has ever witnessed.
J. COLE... also brags about premature ejaculation.
Song: "No Role Modelz"
Lyric: “I came fast like 9-1-1 in white neighborhoods”
I’m actually noticing a pattern here. While trap artists like to imply they last long in bed, “lyrical rappers” refuse to lie to us about their sexual stamina. Admirable.
2 CHAINZ's main vice is rice.
Song: "Poor Fool"
Lyric: “I'm addicted to rice at Benihana”
The main appeal of Benihana is how they prepare your food in front of you in a theatrical fashion by juggling knives and creating flaming onion mountains. The rice is good but honestly, it’s nothing particularly noteworthy. He can get equally good rice at dozens of other restaurants. 2 Chainz is completely missing the point of Benihana.
G HERBO thinks rigatoni is more expensive than it actually is.
Lyric: “Used to eat fried bologna, now I eat rigatoni”
I'm pretty sure a box of rigatoni is even less expensive than a pack of bologna.
YOUNG THUG refuses to go to the doctor for a simple check-up.
Lyric: “We ain’t got time to see doctors”
Thugger, even the busiest people I know go to the doctor from time to time. Certain types of cancer don't show symptoms until it’s far too late. Don’t be dumb.
MACHINE GUN KELLY thinks his rap name makes him tough even though rappers choose their own rap names.
Song: "Rap Devil"
Lyric: “You were named after a candy, I was named after a gangster.”
You named yourself after a gangster, Kel. In his Eminem diss track "Rap Devil," MGK uses his name as an example of how tough he is, as if rap is like that magic talking hat in Harry Potter where you wear it and the hat decides what your rap name is.
When it comes to friendship, CHILDISH GAMBINO has never heard of boundaries.
Song: "All the Shine"
Lyric: “Sometimes that stupid shit is the real shit / Like when you make out with your best friend's baby sis.”
Hey Donald, you're not ballin', you're being a terrible friend. We all have a friend with a hot sister, but we don't act on it.
JAY-Z brags about being richer than MC Hammer even though everyone is richer than MC Hammer.
Song: "So Appalled"
Lyric: “And Hammer went broke so you know I'm all focused / I lost 30 mil' so I spent another 30 / ‘Cause unlike Hammer, 30 mil' can’t hurt me”
This wouldn't be the last time Hov would take random shots at MC Hammer’s financial situation. He also name-dropped him on "Holy Grail." Leave the poor guy alone.
WIZ KHALIFA thinks his swag makes him exempt him from basic airport security.
Song: "Fall Asleep"
Lyric: “I got so much swag / That airport don't even wanna check my bag”
That’s not how the TSA works, Wiz. You're not special. Don't hold up the line.
G-EAZY references Get Out proving he's never actually seen Get Out.
Lyric: “Walk in with 20 bands, throw it on the thickest thighs / Put her in the sunken place, she said she was dick-notized”
Either G-Eazy heard someone reference “the sunken place” from Get Out and ran with it even though he never saw the movie, or...
KANYE WEST brags about skipping leg day.
Song: "30 Hours"
Lyric: “I wake up, all veggies, no eggs / I hit the gym, all chest, no legs”
Never skip leg day. That’s how you get a muscular torso that can barely be held up by twig-like SpongeBob legs.
DRAKE sleeps like a baby on long flights.
Song: "SICKO MODE"
Lyric: "I did half a Xan, 13 hours 'til I land / Had me out like a light, ayy, yeah”
I’m honestly jealous. Anyone can pop bottles at the club all night, but to sleep through an entire flight with no disturbances? That’s something special.
ASHER ROTH downgrades significantly with technology.
Song: "Lark On My Go-Kart"
Lyric: “Traded in my cellphone for a new pager”
My autocorrect didn’t even recognize pager as a real word, that’s how old they are.
50 CENT brags about trying to sleep with a lesbian.
Song: "I Like the Way She Do It"
Lyric: “She want the same chick I want / The bitch is a d*ke”
What’s the endgame here, Fifty? Are you actually expecting to somehow convert her to heterosexuality? Or are you just bragging about having a diverse friend group?
BIGGIE SMALLS claims he shoved a broom up your dad’s asshole.
Song: "Dead Wrong"
Lyric: “Find your father hidin’ in a room / Fuck him with a broom”
You better wash that damn broom, Biggie.
CHINGY brags about his taste in women and accidentally exposes his lack of knowledge about geography.
Lyric: “I like them black, white, Puerto Rican, or Haitian / Like Chinese, Japanese, or even Asian”
...Who’s gonna tell him?
YELAWOLF compares himself to a Rob Schneider character.
Song: "Box Chevy 3"
Lyric: “Now I'm drinking deuce deuce, swig it slow / Feelin' like I'm Deuce Deuce Bigelow”
I understand what Yelawolf was doing for the sake of the rhyme scheme and wordplay, but at what cost? What’s next, a Pauly Shore reference? “Feeling like the guy in Bio-Dome”? This is a slippery slope.
RICK ROSS’ buddy is in jail but they can still Skype each other.
Song: "Drug Dealers Dream"
Lyric: “I seen a rich n***a go to jail / He put Wi-Fi in his cell / Middle of the night, my n***a wanna Skype”
Friendship always finds a way.
LIL YACHTY gets his stepsister wet. Seriously.
Lyric: “‘Cause she get wet and suck me like a insect / She my stepsister so I guess that’s incest”
Lil Yachty... What?!?!
Bitches suck LIL B’s dick ‘cause he looks like author JK Rowling (kind of).
Song: "Wonton Soup"
Lyric: “Bitches suck my dick because I look like JK Rowling”
This line is actually a very complex metaphor. JK Rowling’s Harry Potter books have created their own unique, canonical universe and left an unprecedented influence on pop culture on a global level. She’s accumulated literally billions of dollars through books, critically acclaimed blockbuster films, and various other forms of merchandising such as toys and video games. JK Rowling is one of the most successful and powerful women in the history of the entertainment industry. And despite Lil B’s crude sex jokes, he is a proud feminist. He “looks like JK Rowling” in that he embodies the same exact elements of feminine prosperity in a patriarchal society and an inspiring need to move the culture forward and bring a creative level of magical joy into the lives of children around the world. Incredible.