Why the hell won’t Netflix call me back?
I’m a huge fan of the Netflix show Black Mirror. For those of you who’ve never seen it, it’s a horror anthology show with sci-fi themes. Each unconnected episode depicts a bleak, futuristic world.
As a Black Mirror enthusiast and a rap journalist, I decided to write five rap-themed Black Mirror episodes. They are suspenseful, creepy, and disturbing. Even if you've never seen the show, read these and try to tell me you don't smell an Emmy Award.
No matter how hard she tries not to, a girl on Tinder keeps matching with SoundCloud rappers.
The year is 2037 and 95% of the population is composed of aspiring rappers. Helen keeps swiping right on attractive men on Tinder. Every time she has a new match she takes a closer look at their profile, and every single one has a selfie with a mic and a laptop. Some of them still use the word “swag” un-ironically.
Finally, she meets Kevin. Based on his profile, he’s clearly not a rapper. They meet up for drinks and they click instantly. He’s sweet, funny, and charming. But about an hour into the date, he says it...
“So, I've been working on a mixtape...”
"THE 2032 ELECTION: KANYE VS. KANYE"
The year is 2031, and scientists have successfully created the first cloning machine. Kanye West volunteers to try it out. One year later, Kanye follows through with his long-forgotten announcement to run for president... But so does his clone.
Kanye 1 clinches the Republican nomination, beating out Rick Santorum and the child that Chris Christie ate. Kanye 2 wins the Democratic nomination, beating out Beto O’Rourke and a pile of dust that was allegedly Bernie Sanders. The presidential debates are hectic and hostile, with Kanye constantly interrupting Kanye. They avoid political topics, mostly arguing about the practicality of leather jogging pants.
November 9, 2032, the night of the election. Tensions are high. At 12:04 a.m., the new president of the United States is officially announced...
It's Ralph Nader.
"THE DAY RAP BECAME WHITE"
The year is 2054. America’s demographics have shifted dramatically over the years. But while we were enjoying a new era of racial harmony, an eerie trend swallowed pop culture. White people have now completed their mission of abducting rap.
Rap is now a 100% white art form. The Hip-Hop History Museum (opened in Portland, Oregon) boasts only statues of Macklemore and displays of G-Eazy’s leather jackets. If that weren't crazy enough, historical revisionism has convinced the masses that every deceased hip-hop legend was a white dude.
Eazy-E is remembered as a vegan poet who was close friends with Wes Anderson. Biggie Smalls is remembered as a white girl who ran an improv troupe and majored in graphic design at NYU. You can't even go anywhere in Brooklyn without seeing giant murals of “Tupac Shakur,” which is just a big painting of David Schwimmer with a Thug Life tattoo on his chest.
"XANMOLGIRAFFICUS: RAPPERS GLORIFYING A DRUG THAT DOESN’T EXIST YET"
Technology is a double-edged sword. The more science progresses, the easier it is to create new narcotics. In 2064, hip-hop is still being accused of glorifying drugs. A new class of “scientist rappers” rise to stardom. They make songs that glorify drugs that don’t even exist. And once the song becomes popular, they actually create and distribute that drug.
Smaller Uzi Vert, the great-grandson of Lil Uzi Vert, has a hit song about the mysterious drug Xanmolgirafficus, a substance that’s made of Xanax, Molly, liquified bronze, and frozen giraffe urine. It causes vivid hallucinations, like being a guest on The View. The song dominates the charts, prompting Uzi to actually create Xanmolgirafficus and distribute it, creating an epidemic.
It only gets worse. Future’s grandson, a rapper named Distant Future, raps about a new drug nicknamed “Turkey Bacon.” It’s a mixture of cough syrup and kryptonite. Everyone takes it as a joke and says, “Well, kryptonite isn't real.” Well, it turns out kryptonite IS real, and it gets you fucked up.
"THE STREAMING ERA BECOMES THE ELECTRODE ERA"
It’s 2028. Spotify has a revolutionized a new form of music consumption. Due to an increase in album releases, they now have a feature where you put electrodes on your forehead and can sonically ingest an entire album in two nanoseconds. You can now listen to thousands of new albums within minutes. Miraculous.
But due to decreased attention spans, listeners slowly refuse to listen to albums that last more than half a nanosecond. Yes, Drake is still releasing 10-second albums to bulk up his streaming numbers.
The electrode era marks a hectic new chapter in the music industry that makes the streaming era seem underwhelming by comparison. We eventually say fuck it and cancel all music.
Netflix, CALL ME.