This past month, two separate documentaries were released about 2017's failed Fyre Festival (Fyre on Netflix, and Fyre Fraud on Hulu.) As we all know by now, the event was billed as a luxurious music festival on a private island in the Bahamas. It ended up being a giant clusterfuck that left a bunch of rich white people trapped on an island.
With all this talk about Fyre Fest, it’s only a matter of time before Hollywood makes a real movie about it. A non-documentary film to be released in theaters.
Since veteran rapper Ja Rule played a large role in organizing and promoting the festival, this begs the cinematic question of the century: who will play Ja Rule in the Fyre Fest film?
The list is endless, but I've narrowed it down. Here are the five actors who are most likely to portray Ja Rule in the inevitable Fyre Festival movie.
There’s a huge age difference but that’s what makeup is for. Denzel is the greatest actor alive, so he would knock this out of the park. As a dedicated actor, he would spend six months holed up in his house listening to “Holla Holla” on repeat just to get into character.
THE PIVOTAL SCENE: An emotional monologue where Ja complains about being manipulated into participating in the festival. Please imagine this monologue in an angry Denzel voice:
"YOU talked me into this! You think you can do this to ME? I’m Ja Rule, I MAKE music, you just LISTEN to music!
[JA RULE IS NOW CRYING AT THIS POINT]
"Ya know what? This is not what festivals are supposed to be. And this DEFINITELY is not what friendship is supposed to be."
[JA RULE DRAMATICALLY WALKS AWAY]
Chills, right? Me, too.
THE RESPONSE: In case you can't tell, Ja’s Journey would be a masterpiece and an obvious Oscar contender.
Hart is the biggest comedic actor in the game right now. The dude sells out NFL stadiums. He’s an easy pick if they want big box office numbers.
THE PIVOTAL SCENE: Ja keeps flirting with all the supermodels at the promo shoot, but they’re all significantly taller than him. In an act of goofy desperation, he starts jumping higher to get closer to their faces while trying to seduce them.
Of course, this doesn't work, so Ja decides to steal a ladder from one of the contractors who’s building a festival stage. Who plays this contractor? Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. The Rock gets angry and chases Ja around the island while wacky music plays.
THE RESPONSE: Fyred Up would be a box office smash, even though it would be competing with the 11 other Kevin Hart movies coming out that same weekend.
Michael B. Jordan
MBJ has already proven himself to be one of the best actors of his generation. He’s also objectively the most beautiful man alive. Wanna get good reviews AND get every woman in America to buy a ticket? Call MBJ.
THE PIVOTAL SCENE: While hanging out on the beach, Ja Rule confronts festival founder Billy McFarland about his seriously flawed plan. Ja would deliver an intense monologue, but no one would pay attention to the words because they’d be distracted by a shirtless Michael B. Jordan.
THE RESPONSE: Well, Zac Efron would be playing Billy McFarland so you tell me.
I know there’s a HUGE age difference but they can just use CGI to make Freeman look 42 and not 297. The backbone of the movie would be Freeman’s narration. It will be told from Ja’s perspective and there would be a voiceover narration throughout the film.
THE PIVOTAL SCENE: In the end, there would be beautiful shots of this luxurious island while Freeman’s voice sums up the lessons he learned.
Please read this in Morgan Freeman's voice:
“We never did return to that island. But in a way, we never left the island. We never forgot what happened that fateful weekend at the Fyre Festival. But in the end, the real festival was in our hearts the whole time.”
If you’re not crying right now you’re a sociopath.
THE RESPONSE: An unfortunate 11% on Rotten Tomatoes.
Hollywood loves to whitewash stories. It’s not a stretch to think that they’ll cast a white woman to play Ja Rule; we need to start emotionally preparing ourselves for it.
THE PIVOTAL SCENE: Ja Rule contacts Migos to ask why they canceled their performance at the festival. Naturally, Quavo, Offset, and Takeoff will be played by Jessica Alba, Reese Witherspoon, and Dakota Fanning, respectively.
THE RESPONSE: Despite protests from fans about the movie casting Johansson AND misremembering Migos as three white women, the film will receive no less than seven Oscar nominations.
Which one of these five actors will end up playing Ja? Only time will tell. Fingers crossed for Denzel, though.