For personal reasons and legal purposes beyond my control involving Warner Bros. Records Inc., I must remain anonymous. For context, I can tell you that I am successful rapper whose name rhymes with “Lil Shmump.” For the sake of brevity and simplicity in this guest editorial, I will refer to myself as “Not Lil Pump.”
As Not-Lil-Pump, I have experienced great success as a musician, especially with my 2017 hit single “Gucci Gan”—I mean, the single that shall remain nameless. In 2017, I also released my self-titled debut album, which went Gold. And last year I had a hugely popular song with a very famous artist who also shall remain anonymous. I cannot give you his last name but his first name is Kanye.
In January 2018, I announced my sophomore album Harverd Dropout. Twelve months later, it still hasn’t been released. Some of my fans have been speculating as to what’s going on. So allow me to explain...
I lost my fuckin album in Norway.
First off, don’t judge me. People lose stuff all the time. I'm sure you’ve lost your phone or your car keys at some point. This is the same thing. Except instead of a phone it was an album and instead of being under a couch cushion, some unknown Norwegian asshole has in it his house as we speak.
It was my birthday, I smoked a bit too much weed, got detained in a boring ass country, and misplaced the hard drive. We cannot erase our mistakes, only learn from them. But that's why I, Not-Lil-Pump, decided to write this article. I wanted to warn my fellow artists, especially up-and-comers. This is a tough industry, and everyone needs a mentor.
So to any aspiring rapper, this is hands down the most useful thing you will ever read.
Here is how to not lose your album in Norway:
1. Don’t fucking go to Norway
This should be a no brainer. What even IS in Norway anyway? Nothing fun to do. No interesting tourist attractions or noteworthy historical landmarks. Just a shit excuse for a country. Sure, they have universal healthcare, a comprehensive social security system, and a booming petroleum industry. And their unitary constitutional monarchy and largely parliamentary system of government, based on egalitarian values—which fundamentally embodies a representative democracy—seems ideal on paper, but it is not without flaw. And even though they played a part in founding NATO, as well as the European Free Trade Association, the Oslo Accords (their 1993 set of legal agreements to resolve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict) were laughably unsuccessful. Not to mention that the first Norwegian Secretary-General, Trygve Lie, failed to end the Korean War at a reasonable pace. Plus, their proclaimed neutrality in WWII led to them being overtaken by Germany. Pathetic.
2. If you DO go to Norway, don't get arrested there
If you do decide to go that shithole country for whatever godforsaken reason, make sure you don't get detained while you’re there. This one is on me. I was not careful with my weed, but hindsight is 20/20. Let’s just move on.
3. Backup all your data—outside Norway
THIS IS ESSENTIAL. Musicians, backup all of your files. Your beats, your vocal recordings, hell even the yank bank photo album on your phone. Don't make my mistake and only have your album on one hard drive. I could have at least emailed an attachment to my mother for safekeeping or had a backup flash drive. That being said, I still primarily blame Norway for this.
4. Do not waste your time trying to track down your Norwegian album thief
I have spent months obsessively hunting down the Norwegian monster who stole my album. I have hired private detectives and even ex-CIA government assassins. I have used all my resources to go through that sick country with a fine tooth comb, but with no luck. I have spent many a night vividly fantasizing about what I will do to take revenge on my Norwegian album thief when I finally find him. But unfortunately, the man is a ghost. He is impossible to find. For the sake of my own mental health, I have decided to forgive him. But I will never forget.
5. Cut your losses and just re-record the album
A wise man once said that resentment is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. That wise man was me. I came up with that just now. I'm the first person to ever say that. And it’s true, move on and just go back to the lab and make all the songs again. Learn how to forgive yourself, forgive the Norwegian prick who snatched your album, and (attempt to) forgive the country of Norway.
Harverd Dropout, coming soon.
Definitely Not Lil Pump