It’s 2019. It’s time.
Rap is an ever-expanding and constantly diversifying art form. But there’s one type of rapper that we still haven't heard from yet. And I'm getting real fuckin’ impatient.
Weed is a staple in hip-hop. From Dr. Dre’s The Chronic to iconic space cowboys like Snoop Dogg, B-Real, and Curren$y. There are classic Reefer Related Raps™️ like Cypress Hill’s “Hits From The Bong,” Afroman’s “Because I Got High” and Kanye West’s “Jesus Walks” (we all know damn well if you think you see Jesus walking you’re smoking some really good shit).
But what about me, specifically? What about my people? I am of course referring to those hip-hop fans who get paranoid every time they smoke weed.
We’re a substantial section of society. We’re here. We matter. And we’re tired of rappers ignoring us.
I have a love-hate relationship with weed. I want to love weed, but weed hates me. I live in LA, the city of failed actresses who are terrified of gluten. Everyone in Cali LOVES them some sticky icky. I already feel like I don't fit in. And rap music is just making it worse.
Every time I take even one hit from a joint, my life turns into a mid-2000s gory torture porn horror flick. The last time I got high was October 22, 2016, and it was a national disaster.
I got way too stoned and I freaked out about everything. I thought the government was watching me. I thought “Hollaback Girl” was the national anthem. My heart was racing faster than Usain Bolt on crystal meth. I was sweating like…. Usain Bolt on crystal meth. See? Weed has ruined my ability to come up with more than two analogies per paragraph.
I kill everyone’s buzz like… A professional buzz assassin. But I'm also not alone. This happens to tons of people. It’s a common phenomenon that scientists refer to as “being a pussy.”
One of my favorite artists of all time is Kid Cudi. The man is in my all-time top five (which, ironically, is a VERY stoner thing to say.) Imagine how I felt in 10th grade when I was bumping Man On The Moon every day and had to silently sob whenever he referenced weed. Imagine how I felt when I bumped Wiz Khalifa’s Rolling Papers album and couldn't relate to “Roll Up” because the last time I “rolled up” I had a panic attack in an Applebees.
It’s a rough life for the “rap fans who get paranoid from weed” community. But that ends today. We need a mainstream rapper who raps about how weed makes him freak out. You know, for the culture.
I can picture it so vividly. His name would be MC Anxiety. The cover of his debut album No Thanks would just be a picture of him staring at a bong looking terrified.
His hit single would be like Lil Wayne’s “Pussy Money Weed” but it’d be “Pussy Money Read,” and it’s about how he’s scared to smoke and how he’d much rather just curl up on the couch with a nice book.
At his concerts, instead of passing around blunts we would pass around paper bags to breathe into if we start hyperventilating. MC Anxiety would be the voice of a generation. He would be an inspiration for kids everywhere, showing the world once and for all that you can accomplish all your dreams… Even if you’re the guy who must be skipped in the blunt rotation.
We need an artist like MC Anxiety. And if there are any mainstream rappers right now who do get secretly paranoid from weed, they need to stand up and be honest about it because there’s strength in numbers.
We will no longer suffer in silence.