You can tell a lot about a person by the kind of music they listen to. Whether it’s a close friend or a complete stranger.
Here’s everything you need to know about your Uber driver based on what rap artists they’re bumping.
This man just had a HUGE phone argument with his mother two minutes after you entered his Jeep Wrangler. Don't be alarmed when he yells “AGH, FUCK THIS” at every single red light.
Whether you like it or not, get ready to talk about deep, sociopolitical issues during your 11 PM drunken ride to McDonald's.
The car smells like weed and clinical depression. Wait, a minute, he’s playing "Pursuit Of Happiness." He just cranked the volume up on the line “I don’t care, hand on the wheel, driving drunk I'm doin my thing.” GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE CAR.
There's a ninety-one percent chance his name is Brad. Not only will he hit on your girl, but he'll also stop at 7/11 for cigarettes and Cool Ranch Doritos even though you already told him you're late to your cousin's Bar Mitzvah.
He's a friendly dude but keep your head on a swivel because he may be driving under the influence. You'll also want to keep the small talking going, to minimize the chances of him peacefully dozing off at the wheel. No matter what, give him at least four stars 'cause he's probably going through some shit.
CHANCE THE RAPPER
There’s a seventy-five percent chance he’s wearing a baseball cap and overalls, and don't be surprised by rosary on the rearview mirror.
It’s definitely a girl named Emily who won't shut the fuck up about Coachella.
He’s a safe driver, but the car is filled with “Bernie 2016” stickers that he totally forgot to take down.
Just be polite when he starts talking about his ex. If he’s taking you home, give him five stars if he starts playing “Hold On, We’re Going Home.”
Get out of the car.
TYLER THE CREATOR
He’s either a flannel wearing, tea drinking hipster with a beanie and a twirly mustache, or he’s an angry bro with a BMX shirt, barbed wire tattoos and thermos full of Monster energy drink. There’s literally no in between. Either way, he does not like you.
Avoid small talk at all costs unless you wanna get trapped in the “real hip-hop” conversation until you finally get to your mediocre Tinder date at Chili's.
Aye, this girl looks kinda familiar! Except she won't shut up about Coachella... God dammit, it’s the Post Malone girl again.
Who doesn't love Gambino music? Donald Glover is such a Renaissance man, he does EVERYTHING. He’s a rapper, singer, actor, writer, comedian, producer. Wait a minute... this Uber driver looks familiar... And the app says his name is Donald? Holy shit, Childish Gambino is driving. So he’s a rapper, singer, actor, writer, comedian, producer AND Uber driver?! This guy is fuckin' incredible.
He’s a really cool dude and you’ll have a lot of common. For example, you’re both on your way to a Lupe Fiasco concert.
Just enjoy the music and avoid talking politics AT ALL COSTS. Trust me on this one.
See Also: Tyler The Creator.
Your boss will be furious when you’re late for work ‘cause you and Richard listened to the entirety of Blonde together in the parking lot after the ride was over. It was worth it.
Keep small talk to a minimum unless you wanna have your grammar corrected.
Do NOT accept Matt’s invitation to his frat party Saturday night.
He’s gonna tell you that this is just a side gig and that he’s an entrepreneur. Give him a HUGE tip if he’s playing the title track from 4:44 ‘cause he’s clearly going through a divorce.
Don’t stare... But this might be the dude who bullied you in eighth grade.
If he’s banging "California Love," he’s a fun, social dude. If he’s playing "Brenda’s Got A Baby," he’s gotta calm the fuck down ‘cause you don't know him like that yet.
He’s very angry and his road rage is overpowering the "Big Poppa" beat, probably because he just got cut off by the guy playing 2Pac.
Find something, anything, for this dude to sign, because your Uber driver is MC Hammer. A sad look at how difficult the music industry is, but an incredible story to tell your friends once you get to the party.