The ancient art of karaoke is as a sacred cultural tradition.
Rumor has it that it began one night when Jesus Christ himself crashed a party and turned too much water into wine. Everyone got too turnt and suddenly started singing the opening lines to “I Want It That Way.” The rest is history.
I LOVE karaoke, which is why I respect the cardinal rule of never doing it sober. But this approach can obviously backfire. Because the more drinks I have, the more cringe-worthy my song choices get.
I’ve gathered the data and made this definitive list. These are the 10 most common karaoke choices based on how drunk I am.
I’m sorry, but I’m not.
10. Kendrick Lamar “HUMBLE.”
DRUNKENNESS LEVEL: Slightly tipsy.
Obviously, I'm far too white to sing this song. So it’ll be funny and awkward, and I'll definitely have to email a formal apology to Top Dawg Entertainment. But it won't necessarily be a disaster. Not yet...
9. Kanye West “Gold Digger”
DRUNKENNESS LEVEL: My uncle Tony last Christmas.
The main concern here is everyone nervously hoping I'm gonna say “broke... broke” when the hook arrives. Don’t worry, I do. The audience breathes a massive sigh of relief. Everything is alright. For now...
8. OutKast “Hey Ya”
DRUNKENNESS LEVEL: Your uncle Tony last Christmas.
This song will give you Vietnam flashbacks to 2004 comedy movie trailers. This is when you should get cautious. Start sliding drinks away from me because things are about to go downhill, quick.
7. Montell Jordan “This Is How We Do It”
DRUNKENNESS LEVEL: A frat boy named Hunter in the third row of a Dane Cook show.
This is when things get ugly. This song has “could easily be ruined by a corny white person” written all over it. And unfortunately, that corny white person is me. Montell Jordan is rolling over in his grave and he’s not even dead.
6. Shaggy “It Wasn’t Me”
DRUNKENNESS LEVEL: My Tinder date left two hours ago and I still haven’t noticed.
The hook on “It Wasn’t Me” is the only part of the song that’s possible to understand. Shaggy’s verses are just incoherent, goofy mumbling. It’s impossible to sing. I know you’re thinking, “Drew, you can just read the lyrics from the screen.” Well, I had too many drinks, so you may as well call me the Floyd Mayweather of karaoke.
5. Nelly “Hot In Herre”
DRUNKENNESS LEVEL: I just texted my ex an obviously photoshopped picture of me on a date with Jennifer Aniston in a failed attempt to inspire jealousy.
This song is far too sexual. The only way for this song to work is if the person singing it is either super hot or comically ugly. I'm in that middle, average-looking area, so when I sing this record it’s just REALLY creepy. You don't feel like you're in a karaoke bar, you feel like you’re in Buffalo Bill’s basement.
4. Soulja Boy “Crank That (Soulja Boy)”
DRUNKENNESS LEVEL: A 20-year-old white girl at a party who just told her friends “This is going to be the best summer ever.”
What ruins this performance is my attempt to do that classic Soulja Boy dance. I look like a coked up grandfather walking on lava. I trip over my own feet and land on an unsuspecting blonde chick, prompting her boyfriend Brad to challenge me to a fistfight. We somehow both lose the fight.
3. Eminem “Lose Yourself”
DRUNKENNESS LEVEL: Despite what Em says at the beginning of the song, I definitely had way more than one shot.
A common, rookie mistake. Marshall’s spaghetti vomit anthem is a classic, but it’s actually awful for karaoke. It’s too serious. Karaoke songs are supposed to be fun and light. There’s no goofy, fun way to sing “Lose Yourself.” I end up looking like an overly determined white guy who's trying to seize his own moment. And, of course, I throw my hood up when I do it. Horrific.
2. The Sugarhill Gang “Rapper’s Delight”
DRUNKENNESS LEVEL: Ben Affleck when he approved of the Justice League script.
Seems perfect, right? WRONG. “Rapper's Delight” is seven minutes long, which is like 12 years in karaoke time. It has 10 verses. TEN GODDAMN VERSES. You can only watch a lanky white guy sing "skiddlee bop a we rock a scooby doo" for so long before you start to die inside. People are now fleeing the bar in horror.
1. Sir Mix-a-Lot “Baby Got Back”
DRUNKENNESS LEVEL: Dead.
The cops are here now.