Kanye West has been quiet on social media lately, which could only mean one thing—he’s cooking up new tunes. His next album, Yandhi, which will inevitably change titles at least 11 times, is due to drop later this year.
When Kanye (hilariously) interrupted T-Swift at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, America looked at Kanye like he curb-stomped a chihuahua. After the backlash, Kanye disappeared for a year, created his masterpiece My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, and won everyone back. It's easy to forget how despised and vilified Kanye was during that period. He was basically the Thanos of the music industry.
Kanye is in a similar position now. Last year, he started rocking a MAGA hat and pledging his allegiance to Donny The Racist Basketball. He understandably divided his fanbase, and while ye was a good album, it wasn't amazing enough to Eternal Sunshine his presidential bromance out of our minds.
This leaves the burning question: what does Kanye have up his musical sleeve? You know, besides his weekly Sunday service.
Well, I have three predictions for Kanye’s next album; three timelines, if you will. Let’s look at the possibilities...
THE GREAT: Kanye makes a My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy level masterpiece and wins back the masses.
The album will be utter perfection from start to finish. As an orgasmic, sonic painting of Picasso-level brilliance, we’ll have no choice but to forgive him and mail him Chipotle gift cards as gestures of gratitude. The music will be so good, it'll make My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy sound like a Vanilla Ice-Soulja Boy collab EP. Dozens of our favorite rappers will retire to the priesthood out of jealous frustration.
Remember the goosebumps you felt the first time you heard “Runaway”? I’m talking that feeling times a trillion. Remember how pumped you were the first time you heard “Power”? Once you hear this album, that song will feel like a nighttime white noise app for insomniacs. Remember Nicki’s insane verse on “Monster”? Well, get ready ‘cause Kanye just uses groundbreaking technology to resurrect 2Pac for the greatest guest feature we’ve ever heard.
After this godly project, Kanye will be able to do anything and America will forgive him. Right before it drops, he’ll fart on the pope, make a buddy cop comedy with Louis CK and write a book defending Ted Bundy called “Handsome & Misunderstood.” But we’ll forget about all of once we hear track one.
Basically, Kanye will deliver the greatest album of all time and become eligible for official sainthood. Donald who?
THE GOOD: Kanye makes a good album that isn't quite good enough to help everyone forget all about 2018.
This album will be mid-tier Kanye. Luckily, he’s such a musical genius that “mid-tier Kanye” is still great. Think The Life Of Pablo—not groundbreaking or special, yet still a phenomenal body of work.
There will be an abundance of gorgeous Kid Cudi hums to soothe the soul. Chance The Rapper will be in the studio only to ensure Kanye doesn’t rap “none of us would be here without cum” ever again. There will be a religious record on par with "Jesus Walks," but Eminem will ruin the mood by spitting a jarring guest verse in which he somehow rhymes “magnificent” with “black licorice” and “bad syphilis.”
The material will be politically neutral, never addressing the orange elephant in the room, but the beats and the bars will be HOT. Unfortunately, they won't be hot enough to win back the fans he lost in 2018.
For everyone tweeting about how good the album is, there will be no less than 27 obnoxiously woke white girls tweeting, “I can't believe y'all are supporting Kanye’s music, he’s still canceled.” Shut up, Megan.
The album slaps, but nothing changes. But don’t be disappointed, ‘cause that’s way better than my final prediction.
THE BAD: Kanye makes a MAGA-certified rap album.
Despite claiming to be done with politics, Kanye will double down on his Trumpian shenanigans and make an entire pro-Trump rap album—the first and hopefully last of its kind—titled My Beautiful Dark Twisted President.
The album will be 12 tracks of pure nonsense, featuring a remix of “Black Skinhead” entitled “Very Fine Black People On Both Sides.” If you think that’s bad, though, wait until you hear Jared Kushner’s guest 16.
Track five will feature Yeezus-esque primal screams in the background provided by Alex Jones. The Robert Mueller diss track will be almost 20 minutes long and will feature no less than 12 bars that reference Kanye’s dick. The project will be A&R’d by none other than Mike Pence himself, since Pence is trying to lay the groundwork to promote his upcoming mixtape under the pseudonym “Penceinem.” Horrifying.
One unlucky Pitchfork writer will run out of big words to describe how awful the album is and will spontaneously combust into a pile of flannel jackets. The staff of DJBooth will create a strict “no Kanye articles” policy because otherwise, the website would need to be renamed YeBooth. Kanye’s fanbase will become exclusively white dudes named Brandon who peaked in high school and use photos of their Jeeps as their Facebook profile pictures.
My Beautiful Dark Twisted President will sell through the roof and West will receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom for “making a fire album.” We’ll all be legally required to watch the press conference. It will be a sad day for our country.
Get ready, friends. One of these three things will happen before the end of the year. But Kanye is still Kanye, so I'm crossing my fingers.