Inside "HovWorld": The Amusement Park JAY-Z Needs to Open

JAY-Z, call me.
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JAY-Z illustration

Original art by artist, illustrator, and storyteller, Hal Hefner.

Last week, Forbes crowned JAY-Z as hip-hop’s first billionaire. There was some confusion initially since many of us thought Dr. Dre was hip-hop’s first billionaire, but it turns out Dre’s broke ass only has $800 million to his name. Pathetic.

As Jay himself declared, “I’m not a businessman, I’m a business, man.” Hov isn’t just a musician, he’s a mogul. His hands are in everything from sports and film to video games and vodka. Not to mention his wife, Beyoncé, is a modern day combination of Michael Jackson, Paul McCartney, and Jesus.

Now that JAY-Z has crossed the nine-digit threshold, what’s next on his agenda? The Blueprint 4? 4:44 II (AKA 8:88)? A Watch The Throne sequel featuring a parrot in place of Kanye? And what is his next business venture? What will Jay do to expand his massive empire?

JAY-Z has plenty of options, but as a business expert myself—I watched two episodes of Celebrity Apprentice back in 2006 and my cousin majored in business at Temple University before dropping out to focus on cocaine—I know what his next move should be: He needs to take over the amusement park space.

I’m talking about an iconic theme park that the whole globe will flock to; a location so magical it will catapult Disneyland deep into bankruptcy and make you wonder how stupid ass Six Flags ever had the nerve to exist.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m thrilled to introduce HovWorld, a Brooklyn-based amusement park with a bouncer, vodka vending machines, and no less than 11 strip clubs.

With the benefit of innovative technology, JAY-Z and Roc Nation could create the ultimate juggernaut tourist destination. Here are four examples of rides at HovWorld, a place where dreams will absolutely come true.

THE “EMPIRE STATE OF MIND” RIDE

This one is loosely modeled after Disneyland’s “It’s A Small World After All,” in which you ride in a boat and watch a bunch of three-foot animatronic Alicia Keys sing the "Empire State Of Mind" hook in dozens of languages. Much like Disneyland's “It’s A Small World After All,” this ride is meant to be wholesome but it's actually fucking terrifying.

THE “N***AS IN PARIS” ROLLERCOASTER

This one is for the adrenaline junkies. The NIP is a France-themed rollercoaster that smells like baguettes and pretentious indie films. It doubles as a theatrical metaphor for the rollercoaster of emotions that come with being friends with Kanye. When you reach the climax, you hear Watch The Throne beats. In the lower sections, Yeezy-wearing robots rant about the importance of being a "free thinker" while chucking MAGA hats at your head.

THE 4:44 ELEVATOR

This one is an immersive experience. This fast-paced elevator rockets upward to floor 444 while a group of Beyoncé stans pelts cups of lemonade at your head. Not crazy enough for ya? What if I told you there's an animatronic Solange beating the shit out of you the whole time. There’s no height requirement to ride Elevator 4:44, but you do need a TIDAL subscription.

THE HAUNTED MANSION OF “99 PROBLEMS”

Rick Rubin himself guides you through a haunted house filled with all 99 of Jay's problems. Dozens of hauntingly realistic CGI ghosts whisper the lyrics of Nas’ “Ether” into your ear. You see a blindingly orange wax statue of the president writing angry, misspelled tweets insulting Jay. The walls are lined with images of shitty Jay-related satire by DJBooth writer Drew Landry. What’s notably absent from this experience? You guessed it. Bitches.

HovWorld is totally going to change the world, right? Jay could donate a large portion of the park's profits to charity, which is fantastic, because there will be plenty of money rolling in. In order to cut to the head of the line, visitors must purchase a special Blue Magic pass, which requires a minimum net worth of five million dollars.

The grand opening of HovWorld, slated for 2022, would be a spectacle, with a massive musical showcase planned for the concert hall, featuring performances from Rihanna, a Biggie Smalls hologram, and Barack Obama under the musical pseudonym “Barry O.”

Of course, with a business venture this huge, JAY-Z can’t go at it alone. He’s gonna need a business partner; a right-handed man to help organize the more mundane parts of the gig and make sure everything is running smoothly. Since this operation was my brainchild, I hereby nominate...me.

So, Jay, fuckin CALL ME. I’m tired of bein’ broke. Let's make some money.

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