10 Rappers as Children's Authors & the Titles of Their Books

“I got so many bitches, I don’t know what to do / I got so many bitches, what about you?”
Author:
Publish date:
Updated on

Hip-hop legend Nas recently announced he's publishing a children’s book called I Know I Can. While this is unprecedented new territory for a rapper’s resumé, it's also a reminder that Seuss money is endless.

Here are 10 rappers who should follow in Nas’ footsteps, and the children’s books they should write.

Don’t Listen to The Song I Wrote About Mommy, by Eminem

An (allegedly) fictional tale about a father who writes a song about stabbing his wife to death and realizes he can’t let his daughter hear it. 

Through a series of wacky-yet-wholesome hijinks, he goes to great lengths to keep the stab song a secret. Originally 22 pages, the book is edited down for violent content. 

The final version is just two words.

One Bitch, Two Bitch, Red Bitch, Blue Bitch, by Future

To teach young boys about the simple joys of toxic ballin', Future counts and categorizes all his bitches. 

“One bitch, two bitch, red bitch, blue bitch,” the main character gleefully proclaims. “I got so many bitches, I don’t know what to do / I got so many bitches, what about you?” 

One Bitch, Two Bitch, Red Bitch, Blue Bitch is the first and only children’s book to come with a free bottle of lean and a box of Magnum condoms.

Trumpty Dumpty, by Kanye West

A new spin on a classic nursery rhyme: a fun tale about Trumpty Dumpty, a racist egg who lost the popular vote. 

West wrote Trumpty Dumpty to promote “free thinking” and to warn kindergartners of “the thought police.”

“Trumpty Dumpty tried to build a wall,
CNN was mean to him, and he started to bawl,
All the king's men saw his tiny brain,
But tried to convince America that Trumpty was sane.”

Green Eggs & Xan, by Lil Uzi Vert

The “XO Tour Llif3” rapper penned this delightful story about a SoundCloud rapper trying to avoid the peer pressure that comes with glorifying opioids. 

“I will not do Xannies in a house, I will not do Xannies with a mouse,” he proclaims. “I will not do them with a bug, I will do not them on a rug,” he continues. “I will not do them at a party, stop pressuring me, Playboi Carti.” 

The book ends with Uzi Vert begrudgingly trying green eggs and a Xan, a shockingly dark ending for a children’s book.

Your Daddy Is Hiding You, by Pusha-T

This one is inspired by real-life events involving a rapper whose name I can't write here but rhymes with “Drake.” 

“Adonis, your dad lied about you and kept you out of his life. Adonis, he won't make your mommy his wife,” the opening sentence savagely reads. 

Your Daddy Is Hiding You is the first children’s book to double as a diss track. It also makes a great Father’s Day gift. 

Of course, fans will expect Drake to publish his own children’s book. After a week of waiting, they'll know it isn't happening.

good kid, h.a.P.P.y city, by Kendrick Lamar

The story of a young boy from the elf village of “Kompton” who achieves all his dreams. 

good kid, h.a.P.P.y city is divided into fun little chapters like “Carseat Freestyle” and “Kiddie Pool (Drank),” and is the beginning of a trilogy, with its two sequels To Hug a Butterfly and DARN.

When Winnie The Pooh Went Platinum with No Features, by J. Cole

Another whimsical tale from Winnie The Pooh and the rest of the gang. 

Pooh’s fat ass finally puts down the honey and finishes his album. Wisely, he rejects verse requests from Tigger and Piglet, opting instead for a featureless project—which ends up going double-platinum. 

Toddlers who become hardcore fans of the book will pretentiously say “this is REAL literature, not that mumble literature crap,” but ignore them.

The Cat In The Leather Jacket, by G-Eazy

Sally and Johnny are enjoying a typical day when The Cat In The Leather Jacket comes to play. 

With slicked-back hair, sunglasses, and a new brand of whiskey he’s trying to get off the ground, The Cat wreaks hilarious havoc, and the kids have to fix the house.

Hurry! You best remove all the cocaine and hair gel before mom gets home!

If You Give a Mouse a Blunt, by Wiz Khalifa

A hilarious story about giving a mouse a blunt and the silly events that follow. 

First, he'll get hungry, and he’ll want some cheese. 

Then, he'll hit up his other mouse friends to see if they're tryin' to hang and watch The Big Lebowski and order Pizza Hut while they talk about their community college philosophy classes. 

Then he'll decide to have a few beers. 

Then he'll choose to text his ex-mouse girlfriend “u up” at two in the morning and immediately regret it. 

Later, he'll try to finish his novel, but get distracted after two minutes, and stare at his ceiling fan until his mouse mother gets home and tells him to clean up.

James and The Giant Booty, by 2 Chainz

One day, a little boy named James stumbles upon a THICC girl with the world’s most gigantic booty. He ventures into the booty and meets a colorful array of lovable characters and talking animals who help him on his journey to get back home. 

Despite James and The Giant Booty being marketed as a book for children, the film adaptation will earn a well-deserved hard R-rating.

Related