Chance The Rapper recently released his debut, The Big Day. The album is primarily a love letter to his wife and a celebration of the institution of marriage. Nothing could be more Chance-ish of Chance The Rapper than The Big Day. He's the most wholesome man with a microphone. He’s the rap game Spongebob.
What if a darker timeline exists, though? A timeline with a... dare I say... evil Chance The Rapper?
By the sounds of The Big Day, Chance’s matrimony will be a long and healthy one, but what if there’s another universe wherein his marriage falls apart, and Chance shares every ugly detail on wax, creating an abrasively furious project. Picture a combination of Yeezus, The Marshall Mathers LP, and your racist uncle watching the New England Patriots lose the Super Bowl.
Let’s take a look at The Worst Day, Chance The Rapper’s divorce album. (Editor's Note: Remember to read all these lyrics in a Chance The Rapper voice for maximum effectiveness.)
Upon pressing play on track number one, “She Took Half,” you quickly realize Chance is a changed man. The smiley teddy bear from "Sunday Candy" is gone, replaced by a goddamn monster. His charming voice croons “And we back.. and we back” but it sounds different. He’s not saying “And we back” in an excited manner. It’s not a celebration; it’s a warning. Chance is angry that “we back.”
“My wife took HALF! Now that's a laugh!” Chance screeches. “I paid for all this crap! She don't even rap!” The record is jarring, but this is just the beginning. Strap in, your eardrums are not prepared for what’s about to happen.
Track number two, entitled “Fuck Amazon,” is a catchy rant about Chance's now ex-wife using his credit card to buy too much unnecessary crap online. “She buys DVD’s and old CD’s / she got me freakin out like I got OCD,” he raps. “She buys shirts and shoes that she don’t even wear / I tell her that she's wasting money, she don't even care! IGH!” John Legend handles hook duties: “Girl you gotta stop shoppin / I’m running out of options.”
Eminem appears and spits a hectic verse on track number three, “No Forgiveness.” After Chance gently whispers, “I'll never forgive you, girl... ” Shady jumps in with “GIRL I’LL CRACK YOUR BACK IN A SAVAGE ATTACK WITH A BAT AND A SPATULA AND A CACTUS IN AFRICA.” The verse was only supposed to be 16 bars, but it goes on for 11 minutes; Chance was too scared to tell Em to stop.
In a baffling decision, track number four, “BURN IN HELL,” is a full-blown heavy metal song featuring Slipknot and Slayer. Chance screams nothing but gibberish for seven-and-a-half minutes. If you look up the lyrics on Genius, it just says “?????”
Track number five is a five-second skit entitled “Love Is A Lie,” on which Chance tells the listener to “Sell coke, stab people and hail Satan.” Someone check on him.
An uplifting gospel choir performing “This Little Light of Mine” opens track number six. It’s gorgeous. You breathe a sigh of relief, knowing Chance is seemingly back to his old self. You become hopeful that The Worst Day is a concept album about overcoming adversity and the remaining tracks will be optimistic. Then Chance interrupts the choir, yelling, "SHUT THE FUCK UP.” That’s it, that’s the whole song.
What did this woman do to Chance?
Track number seven, “MAGA (Deal With It, Snowflakes),” is a horrific pro-Trump anthem featuring Kanye West. Chance’s resentment towards all women has turned him into a misogynistic Reddit incel. He raps: “Trump 2020, I don’t give a fuck,” with Ye adding, “I’m sick of all these feminists and all these liberal cucks.” The hook is just DJ scratches while an Auto-Tuned version of Trump’s Access Hollywood tape plays. Disgusting.
From there, the album continues to become more and more demented. There’s an interlude featuring a drunken Mel Gibson voicemail; the first single has a John Mayer hook highlighting every actress he’s ever banged in alphabetical order; the cover art is a blurry picture of Chance punching a hole in a wall taken with a 2006 Motorola flip phone.
Pitchfork gives the album a score of 1.7, writing, “The Worst Day is an odious, abundant cornucopia of formidable, elephantic vexation.” Nobody knows what the quote means, but we all know it’s bad. Anthony Fantano gives the album a negative 5 out of 10. In a three-second video, he says, “Oh hell no.” Here at DJBooth, writer Drew Landry is fired after pitching a positive review of the album. (Editor's Note: He was already on thin ice.)
Luckily, for all of us, the world I’m describing is a fictional one. Chance is not the insanely cruel creature who would make such a terrifyingly hateful album. And thank god for that. May The Worst Day never drop as long as we live.