Disney’s The Lion King live-action remake is already one of the highest-grossing films of 2019. Can you blame America for throwing stacks of cash at it? Everyone is in this movie. Beyoncé. Seth Rogen. Billy Eichner. Keegan Michael Key. Eric Andre. John Oliver. Philip Seymour Hoffman. My uncle. Your uncle. The dude who threw a shoe at George W. Bush.
The film also stars Donald Glover f/k/a Childish Gambino, who provides the voice of a grown-up Simba. Could this be the beginning of a new Hollywood trend?
Here are ten (free) ideas for future live-action Disney movies starring rappers.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame starring Eminem
Who does he play: Quasimoto
I made this casting decision ‘cause Em could helm the soundtrack, and there’s an infinite amount of shit that rhymes with hunchback. Muskrats, dunce caps, lunch snacks, punch cats. Boom, I just wrote the first single. You’re welcome, Marshall.
A Goofy Movie starring Ice Cube
Who does he play: Goofy
Ice Cube has already proven his chops as a comedic actor. To save Disney dollars, we’ll give Cube that dog face Snapchat filter that annoying white girls love. Judd Apatow will direct the film, guaranteeing a hard-R rating. Imagine the novelty of watching Goofy tell his son to “go fuck himself.”
Hercules starring 50 Cent
Who does he play: Hercules
We’ll craft a modern subplot wherein Hercules gets shot nine times—look, I never promised these movies would be good. My first choice for a muscular rapper was LL Cool J but then I re-watched a rerun of NCIS: Los Angeles and immediately had a change of heart.
Sleeping Beauty starring Cardi B
Who does she play: Sleeping Beauty
The story of Sleeping Beauty is super creepy by modern standards. This remake would be a defiant rejection of a problematic tale wherein the princess slaps the fuck out of the prince. Cardi is perfect for this feminist opus.
101 Dalmatians starring Snoop Dogg
Who does he play: all 101 Dalmatians
In this cute live-action remake, all the dogs band together to stop Cruella De Vil from shutting down a marijuana dispensary. By using groundbreaking technology, we will physically model all 101 dalmatians after Snoop Dogg. Honestly, it will probably look fucking terrifying. I’m already having second thoughts about this one.
Peter Pan starring Chance The Rapper
Who does he play: Peter Pan
Chance is the perfect embodiment of childhood wholesomeness. In this re-imagining, Peter takes a group of ordinary children to Neverland, which is just a treehouse behind a church in Chicago where white teenagers trip on LSD and talk about Jesus.
The Many Adventures of Winnie The Pooh starring Rick Ross
Who does he play: Winnie The Pooh
Ross and Winnie The Pooh have a ton in common. They’re both fat but confident, and they revel in luxurious gluttony (Pooh with honey, Ross with patron and bitches). In this live-action remake, Pooh has to reckon with his past after Tigger finds an old photo of him as an exotic animal hunter.
Home on the Range starring Lil Nas X
Who does he play: Lil Nas X
This mostly forgotten cartoon from 2005 took place in the Old West, so every scene is just a Lil Nas X music video of him singing a new “Old Town Road” remix with a different talking animal. By my calculations, this will out-gross Avatar in less than a day.
Fantasia starring Kanye West
Who does he play: Everyone
Everything about Fantasia embodies the Yeezian aesthetic. It’s a... beautiful dark twisted fantasy. So, why not turn the remake into a cinematic rendition of West’s classic album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, with Ye playing every character. Imagine Kanye in a Mickey Mouse costume playing the opening piano keys of “Runaway.” Life-changing.
Tarzan starring Post Malone.
Who does he play: Tarzan
Post Malone looks like he’s been living in a jungle his entire life. Hollywood, CALL ME.