For legal purposes, I can’t disclose my identity in this guest editorial. But there’s a lot of internet chatter lately that I need to address, even if I have to do it anonymously. To establish some context, I am a rapper, producer, and fashion designer. Let’s just say my name is Shmanye Shmest.
There’s been some confusion regarding the release of my new album Jesus Is King. Specifically, it was supposed to be released last week, first on September 27, and then, according to my wife, on September 29. But, as you all know now, it is still not available. After a string of awkward delays, the album currently has no release date. My fans, understandably, are outraged. But don’t worry, I can explain...
Really, I forgot. I announced the album and then I forgot to record it. Then, last Thursday, while scrolling through Twitter, I read an article saying Jesus Is King “drops tomorrow” and spit out my coffee.
I panicked. I rushed to the studio to record the whole album in 24 hours. In retrospect, this was far too ambitious. Then I had “listening parties” around the country to test out the rough draft for a few lucky fans. Don’t judge me for all of this. Once you hear my side of the story, you’ll understand.
I’m a busy guy. I got meetings, I got phone calls, and I got laundry. Plus, the fall TV season just started back up. That means phenomenal, engrossing programs like This Is Us, Modern Family, and Grey’s Anatomy are back on the air. That’s a lot of great TV. And I had to binge all the past seasons of those shows to make sure I was all caught up for the new seasons. Do you have ANY fucking idea how long it takes to binge Grey’s Anatomy?!
In addition to binging 14 years’ worth of prime time hospital dramas, I’ve been preoccupied with my friendships. My buddy Donald is in danger of losing his job, so I’ve been hanging out with and providing him emotional support. Trying to calm him down has eaten up a lot of my time and energy. Now and then, I can distract him with shiny objects or give him a coloring book, but his short attention span is exhausting.
And on top of all that, I have recently discovered the simple joys of knitting. After my wife recommended I take up a new hobby, I began knitting and quickly realized I have a gift for it. I’ve been knitting every damn thing you can think of. Seriously, name anything, and I guarantee I can knit the fuck out of it: wool hats, adorable Christmas sweaters, vegan leather jogging pants, Yeezy Foam Runners. I am the knitting GOD.
So yeah, the album is late. I’m sorry, okay?! Give me some SPACE, guys. Give me room to breathe. I’ll finish this fuckin’ album when I finish it. You’ve never procrastinated before? You never had an English essay in ninth grade that you didn’t start until the night before? You never put off cleaning your messy room until you realized your Tinder date might come over? We all push things off until the last minute.
So now, I’m back in the lab. I’ve paused Grey’s Anatomy, I put down the knitting needles, and I’m screening Donald’s calls. I’m tweaking Jesus Is King until it’s perfect. But don't worry, it’s coming soon.