Ringtones, otherwise known as choosing your favorite radio smash and paying 99 cents to have it play whenever your mother calls to yell at you, are mostly a thing of the past. But have we ever discussed how much your ringtone selection says about you as a person?
Here’s what your rap ringtone in the mid-2000s says about you.
You were the kid in the middle school cafeteria making fake grills out of tinfoil and gold glitter. Everyone loved them because they thought you were doing it to be funny, but then you started wearing them every day. You should be ashamed of yourself.
50 Cent “Candy Shop”
You grew up in a small religious town in the Midwest, so this song provided 75 percent of your sex education. You felt awkward whenever “Candy Shop” rang around your mom, and you pretended the ringtone came with the phone.
Anything from Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz
You were the most perverted kid in your grade, and it wasn’t even close. Your friends slowly grew to resent you. You giggled too much in health class. You got a boner at the homecoming dance, and you never lived it down. You’re almost 30 now, and everyone in your hometown still refers to you as “Boner Brian.”
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That beat is just too hot, and you couldn’t let it stop. When it played, you just never answered the phone. This decision tore your life apart. Your family was furious; they couldn’t keep tabs on you. Your girlfriend thought you were cheating, so she dumped you. Don’t blame yourself, blame Pharrell.
You were the first kid in your high school to get a DUI. You thought it was going to ruin your life, but it made you the most popular kid in your grade. You were a rockstar. Consequently, you peaked in high school, and now you’re a rage-filled incel who works as a cashier at Panera.
Lil Wayne “Lollipop”
You were on the football team. You were also the first kid in your friend group to lose his V-card, which, of course, made you an icon overnight. Also, remember how 50 Cent’s “Candy Shop” was 75 percent of your sex education? This song was the other 25 percent.
Yung Joc “It’s Goin’ Down”
You wore light-up Sketchers and had seven Livestrong bracelets on both wrists. You still have them in a jar somewhere because you never heard about Lance Armstrong’s fall from grace. Next to the jar? That Napoleon Dynamite “Vote For Pedro” button that you rocked out in ‘05.
Kanye West “Gold Digger”
You tried to be the “shutter shades guy,” but the first time you wore shutter shades at school, you were roasted—relentlessly. You then burned them as soon as you got home. Also, this ringtone had an uncensored hook. As a white boy, you had to answer IMMEDIATELY.
Shop Boyz “Party Like A Rockstar”
Your idea of “partying like a rockstar” was chugging Dr. Pepper, playing Halo 2 all night, and stealing your mother’s Victoria Secrets catalog because your internet connection was too slow to watch porn. You fuckin’ nerd.
Soulja Boy “Crank Dat”
Unfortunately… he wrote this article.