For those of us (aka me) who happen to love breaking down rap lyrics that may or may not make any sense, a new Rick Ross project is like Christmas day. Except instead of Santa bringing boys and girls toys, it's more like Rick Ross rapping about
So now I've had a couple days to simmer in the
, there was only one thing I could do; sacrifice a few brian cells and go through the entire album line for line. Hey, it's
a hard job
ridiculous that it's my job, but someone's gotta do it.
Rich is Gangsta
I came back a rich nigga
Young mogul, Bo Jackson, I'm a switch hitter
I think we all get what Ross was
to say, but Bo Jackson wasn't a switch hitter.
. This isn't about being overly literaly, this is about holding sports references to a very basic level of accuracy. What's next? Y'all gonna excuse, "Got a double cup in both hands, call me Jim Abbott"? (Which, by the way, would be a dope line. Little freebie for all you rappers out there.)
It's really not that hard to make a good Bo Jackson reference. See, even a bearded white blogger can do it:
"Business deals in Dubai, recording studios in New York
Fat Bo Jackson, bitch I'm a boss in two sports."
Let's move on before I accidentally end up ghostwriting Ross' next single .
Drug Dealers Dream
Nigga vision the clearest, I get shooters on clearance
Barely fit in a Lambo but did it for the appearance
Might be the realest shit Rick Ross ever wrote.
Who wants to make Rick Ross TryingToFitInsideExpensiveSportsCars.com for me? It's like not Lambos are particularly small compared to the other high-end cars. There's barely enough room for a 300 pound man in a Porsche either, let alone a 300 pound man and two guns and two chains and two buckets of lemon pepper chicken and your main bitch.
When your Diddy you can be hopping in and out of Bugattis, when
they might need the jaws of life to get you out that mofo.
No wire, on fire
My desire for fine things made me a liar, a shooter
Throughout the album Ross makes these allusions to maybe-possibly-kinda saying the drug kingpin thing is a facade, but it's never quite clear if he's admitting he lied about his past, and those maybe-admissions are surrounded by so much fantasy it's just confusing.
This is like the rap version of when
. So....did she finally just come out as gay right now? Or....no? I have no idea what just happened.
: "Never really athletic..."
Another shocking admission from the Bawse. Although I hear he was quite the croquet player in his day.
Mafia Music III
GABOS, game ain’t based on sympathy
That was pretty WRAIHHH (Worst Rap Acronym In Hip Hop History).
Hey, they can't all be YOLO, I'll at least give him some credit for trying. Although this is clearly the kind of thing I'm going to start saying ironically all the time, only most of the people who hear it won't get the reference and think I'm an insane person.
Me (to my nephew): "You lose again! You really are terrible at Monopoly."
My Brother: "Hey, don't be a dick. How about you let him win once?"
Me: "Not gonna happen, GABOS."
: "Bill Belichick, coaching and calling the shots."
Ross might have given more Bellicheck more rap shout outs than anyone else over the years. For a guy from Miami he sure does make a lot of
Versace slippers, 20 chains, bitch I'm Dana Dane
Put a patch over your eye, fuck with my petty change
Ok, I'll admit it, I didn't know who Dana Dane was.
, and I think I'm a beter person for it. Thanks Ross.
: "Big shit poppin' in his pocket like a lighter." - Young Jeezy
He's carrying a gun in his pocket? How's a gun like a lighter? I guess they both shoot fire/flames....and you...put them both in your pocket? I don't carry guns, in my pockets or otherwise. I'll have to let someone else out there explain how this makes any sense.
Black & White
Trayvon Martin, I'm never missing my target
Bitch niggas hating, tell me it's what I'm parking
Wingstop owner, lemon pepper aroma
I know we've been all having a good time so far, and I don't want to get into heavy controversy, but GABOS. It's hard for me to get upset or defend that Trayvon line when I just don't get it. Maybe Ross himself can explain:
"There I’m reminding people that if you’re a black person or a person of any color for that matter in this country, you have to be accurate, whatever moves you make, stay accurate. Even when you’re walking down the street, playing music from your car, you have to stay on point."
Yeah....that sounds less like what Ross actually rapped and more like an explaination he made up after he said it. I don't see how anyone could have possibly gotten that's what he was trying to say off just "Trayvon Martin, I'm never missing my target."
Regardless, who else could go from Trayvon to expensive cars to Wingstop in just three lines?
Felatio's amazin', make grilled cheese for you, the best
Major coke figure, I'm the fresh David Koresh
Now, according to RapGenius the lyrics are "coke figure", which is oddly confusing considering that "major CULT figure, I'm the fresh David Koresh" would have made much more sense. Or how about, "Coke cult figure, I'm the fresh David Koresh"? Yeah, that would have been nice.
Fuck, this really is turning into me re-writing the album. At least we can all agree that fellatio and grilled cheese is a fantastic combination.
: "Niggas be lovin' the old Ye, they sayin' the new Ye, that nigga be spazzin' / But when Ali turn up and be Ali, you can't ever take that nigga back to Cassius."
Those two lines do more to explain Kanye's recent "rant" explosion than anything he's said in an interview.
Walking on Air
I'm into fashion, nigga, John the Baptist
My loyalty respected all across the atlas
Like carrying a gun, I'll admit that I'm not particularly religious, although I do know my fair share of the Bible. Was John the Baptist super into fashion and I just never knew it? Is there some passage where Jesus visits him and he's like, "We really have to talk about those sandals JC." If there's some super complex Biblical reference I'm not getting I take it all back, but otherwise, that might be the most no fucking sense line on the album.
: "All I ever wanted was to make scrilla / Have a recording session with J Dilla."
Ross wanted to record with Dilla? Holy sweet baby jesus, you learn something new every album. I did not see that coming - I guess at least they share
So far from my goals but I'm close to my kids
Gon' cry for Mac Dre throwing up the Thizz
The Bawse is in the building and he's feeling himself. Well fuck yeah then, I would pay good money to see that man do
: "Niggas hating like its Salt Lake City / Came from the hood, ain't nothing changed / Still lemon pepper on my motherfucking wings."
The not particularly interesting is that he's saying people from Salt Lake City are salty, which is kind of lame. But I really enjoy the idea that there's a bunch of Mormons who just hate on Ross all the time, that's much more amusing. Either way, did Ross mention he likes chicken wings? Cause he likes chicken wings. A lot.
Blessing in Disguise
Underneath the white tee, Zimmerman get shot down
Hero, it ain't nothing but a sandwich, call the cops now
Fuck the police, stop running
White boys terrorize nigga' neighborhoods, gunning
Down the innocent, and then the beginning ends
Now that's how you rap about Trayvon Martin and have it mean something. If that was a Ross line instead of Scarface, it would have been like, "Zimmerman get shot down / fuck a sandwich, extra lemon pepper on my wings now." Can we go back and replace that line on "Blk & White" with this verse? It's fine if Scaface is on the album twice.
: "On that lean, you know I fuck her fantastic / Work white as Rita Ora in that plastic."
First, I have it on good authority that
. And I'd imagine that goes double when you're already obese and on lean. Second, who gets that Rita Ora reference? It's so specific I have to imagine it means something, but I have no idea what. Wait, that's right, I have Google...
Peach Ciroc and the L's long
Get to meet Barack rub elbows
Does Rick Ross have any idea that a poem? I kind of love the idea that the same guy who once rapped about peeing on his own gun relaxes by
But more to the point, has Ross ever actually met Obama? Because that seems like the kind of thing Obama's people would not want to happen. Considering how
, could you imagine how bad they'd lose their shit over Barack and Ross? Google says they've never met, and if Google says it, it's true.
So there you have it people, a little jaunt through the lyrical cornucopia of goodness that is "Mastermind". Hit the comments with your own standout lines that I missed, and don't forget to call me an idiot for not understanding some line that, when forced to explain the line yourself, it's clear you don't understand either. That's my favorite part of doing these things.