Take a deep breath, relax.
This isn't going to be some article about how
is the worst rapper ever and is ruining hip-hop. He doesn't deserve nearly that much attention. Hip-hop's not weak enough to be taken down by one viral video,
. "Brick In Yo Face' is worth watching for the same "holy sweet baby jesus, what did I just watch?!?!?" reason that people watched "2 Girls, 1 Cup", and as dumb as the major labels are, I don't think they're dumb enough to sign
The Rap Game 2 Girls, 1 Cup
He's a gentlemen who's clearly made some poor life decisions and has taken up rapping because, let's be honest, there aren't a lot of other employment options for him, despite his "I make drug money don't need a rap check" claim.
However, we might as well have some fun for the 15 minutes he's around, and he does raise a very interesting query....what
you gonna do with this brick in yo face?
The way I see it, you have three, maybe four, options
Option 1, Politely Decline
: "I appreciate the offer, but why don't you go ahead and hang onto that brick. I'm good, and you obviously love it so much."
Option 2, Politely Decline by Feigning Ignorance
: "I'm sorry, I thought you were meant a brick like, you know, a brick, like masonry or whatever. I'm really in the market for actual bricks right now, I'm trying to build a woodfire grill next to the patio out back."
Option 3, Accept to Get Him Out Yo Face, Do Nothing
: "Yeah, sure, cool, thanks. I'll, eh, see you around." [Throw brick away in trash can as soon as you're out of sight. Hope you never run into Stiches again.]
Option 4, Accept Brick, Sell It
: "Thank you guy with an AK-47 tattooed on his face, I will sell this brick and pay you a percentage. Or are you offering to see it to me wholesale? Either way, you're clearly going to be a good business partner, I don't see what could possibly go wrong."
So what would I do? Let me tell you a little story....
in San Francisco I worked as a bartender in at night, often for a high-end catering company. One night we were working at the Jewelry Center, and the first thing I did when I got into the building was find the security guard and give him a beer, because I quickly learned that getting in the good graces of security was the best way to get through the night with minimal hassle.
Anyway...so I'm shooting the shit with the security guard over a beer, who I'll say was about 45-years-old, and suddenly his voice gets real low. "You know, I'm telling you, if someone robbed this place I wouldn't do a damn thing. I'm not dying over someone else's diamonds."
At first I thought he was just making a general observation about the irony of rich people paying security minimum wage to protect their money and just nodded in agreement. But then he leaned in a little closer, things got really quiet. "Yeah, I'm telling you, someone could rob this place and I'd just sit here."
Suddenly it occured to me, is this guy trying to recruit me into a jewelry heist scheme? Almost definitely not, but....it kinda, sorta started to feel like it, which is right about when I promised I'd be back with more drinks later and got the fuck out. The rest of the night though, I couldn't stop thinking about what I'd
do if I ended up with a bag of diamonds. Ultimately, I realized that it wouldn't be about the robbery itself, that I felt like I could pull off if I put the work in, it'd be about what to do with the diamonds after. What the fuck am I doing with a bag of diamonds? I don't know anyone who'd buy diamonds, I don't know anyone who could fence diamonds. There's no way I'm bringing that shit into a pawn shop or a jewelry store, that seems like a recipe for definitely getting arrested.
There's about a 99% chance that even if someone handed me $5 million in diamonds, I'd be too scared to do anything, and the bag would just sit in the back of my closet for years while I got increasingly paranoid about getting robbed, but I also wouldn't be able to bring myself to toss it. And the same would go for a brick of cocaine, or any drug. It'd be fucking terrible.
So, to return to Stiches' original question, I'm definitely going with Option 1. And while I have substantially less than zero interest in ever listening to the man's music again, I do have to thank him for allowing me to dive into my crimimal fantasies once again - who hasn't pictured
? - and for allowing me to create this ridiculous poll. Sweet baby jesus bless the interwebs.
[Nathan S. is the managing editor of The DJBooth, the proprietor of RefinedHype, and a hip-hop writer. He also occasionally talks in podcast form and appears on RevoltTV. His beard is awesome.