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Every Diddy Rant on a Song, Ranked (An Absurdly Detailed Investigation)

Where does "Nobody" rank on the list of Diddy's all-time on-record rants?

“Any artist that wanna be an artist and wanna remain a star, and don't have to worry about executive producers trying to be...all in the videos...all on record...dancing...”

Suge Knight said a lot of insane things back in the day, and some those words would turn out to be the start of a tragic beef, have to admit, he did have a point this one time. Diddy, or as he was known at the time, Puff Daddy, really was all in the videos dancing and all on the record.

In fact, a look back at his career reveals that over time, Puffy has slowly but steadily transitioned from rapping—if you could call this rapping—to something closer to a full-time, professional ranter, motivational speaker and monologuist. His opening rant on Rick Ross' "Nobody" was easily the best part of that song—hell, it might just be the best part of Ross' entire album.

So that got us thinking...where does "Nobody" rank on the list of Diddy's all-time rants/speeches? And as long as we're at it, what can we learn from Sean Combs' very extensive history of vocalizing on songs in a matter that can't be considered either singing or rapping? I don't think we have any choice. It's time for another Absurdly Detailed Investigation. 

So, without further ado, here are some of the most notable Diddy rants and monologs throughout his career, ranked using our very scientific 1-4 Diddy scale (four Diddys being, of course, the greatest).

Let's go. I'll let Lucas take things from here...

"Who Shot Ya" (The Notorious B.I.G.)

To me, this rant is a necessary evil. B.I.G was fucking incredible and sometimes I think, "shut up and get to Big" during the first minute, but I realize it helps build the anticipation. It's like skipping right to the beat drop, where you sort of miss out on all the build up which makes said drop that much better. Also, "As we proceed to give you what you need" is a great line. I just wish he didn't say it every two seconds.

Ranking: 2 Diddys

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"Puff's Intro" (Ma$e)

I like this one, too. It sounds like the opening of a blacksploitation movie. Plus, it's refreshing to not hear Diddy yell all over someone's verse. Maybe the evolution is to give him his own intro so he gets it all out of his system. That way we can, you know, listen to the rappidy raps. This makes me want to hire Diddy to give this speech about me every time I walk into a business meeting or go on a date; power move.

Ranking: 2 Diddys

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"Diddy Intro" (No Way Out)

Epic! The choir in the back, the chopper sounds, Diddy's whispering; if this doesn't make you amped for the album, you don't deserve any Cambodian breast milk. He always seems to be praying in these intro's, too; I'm sure God loves hearing from him on an album that also has a song called "It's All About the Benjamins." The rant is a little more understated than usual, but still has the power thanks to all the crazy ass sounds. Less is more, Puff.

Ranking: 3 Diddy's

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"I'll Be Missing You"

A song dedicated to his closest friend (and the man responsible for most of his fame and wealth) and this is the best you got? A short, mini intro? Please. I was expecting this to be one of the greats, but Diddy literally says like two sentences. Of all the times for a rant, this one would have been the most fitting for a long memorable speech, but Diddy is no ugooglizer. Missed opportunity.

Ranking: 1 Diddy

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"Ready To Die (Intro)"

Puffy on that lamaze tip, coaching a birth. Need I say more? The absurd rants are always the best and Diddy coaching a birth is the most absurd of the absurd.

Ranking: 3 Diddys

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"I'm Leanin (Intro)" (Meek Mill)

This one is kind of weird, if you read the lyrics, you would expect him to be off the wall, going nuts a la the "Who Shot Ya?" rant, but he's kind of reserved. Oh well, "Fuck they motherfucking mommas. They daddies, they aunts, they uncles / And they little tee tees, too" makes me laugh every time.

Ranking: 1 Diddy

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"Big Poppa" (The Notorious B.I.G)

"Tell your friends to get with my friends and we can be friends" is a classic line. It deserves 3 Diddy's alone for that just that line. Not a rant so much as a cool outro, but it's one of his best.

Ranking: 3 Diddys

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"I Want The Love" (Meek Mill)

So now Sean wants the love as opposed to when he passes away (most likely from busting a vein while ranting or drowning in his sparkling water hot tub)? What better way to let him know that spending my afternoon listening to his rants? This one is average, nothing's gonna shut the studio down and it's not all that over the top like his prayer or his child rearing. I wish I could take off points because the song itself is a travesty, but it's only about the rant here.

Ranking: 1 Diddys

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"Leave A Message" (Mary J. Blige)

Normally, Diddy just prays about haters or yells things at you, but this one has a little creativity to it. Where's Mary? Where is she?!?!

Ranking: 2 Diddys

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"Hate Me Now" (Nas)

Is it possible to give negative Diddys? Well, since it's my fucking investigation, yes...yes it is. Negative 54 Diddys for this one. When setting out on this journalistic journey, I was expecting "Hate Me Now" to have an epic rant—I mean, it is a fuckin epic song and we know how Diddy feels about haters—but it's like a Diddy Ambien. Such a missed opportunity.

Ranking: -54 Diddys

"Ghost Of Christopher Wallace" (Jay Electronica)

The first time I heard this record I was utterly confused. I kept thinking I missed a Jay verse because after the first few minutes it's nothing but Diddy talking. This isn't a rant, it's a motherfucking speech; even Shakespeare would hate this soliloquy. It's like that scene in Austin Powers where he keeps peeing. You think it's gonna stop, but it just goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...sorry, just following Diddy's lead. This would have been a two Diddy ranking, but it's just too fucking long. Not only does Diddy yap during Jay Electronica's verse, but the actual rant is longer than the rap portion of the track.

Ranking:1 Diddys

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"Holy Ghost" (Rick Ross)

This is Nathan's favorite (he has been yelling at me in all caps, Diddy-style, about it), but I was pretty disappointed. I mean, it isn't that long, nor is it that epic. However, what he lacks in oomph he makes up for in absurdity. I mean, he is praying to sweet baby Jesus about protection against broke bitches; what more do you need?!

Ranking: 2 Diddys

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"Nobody" (Rick Ross)

Far and away, the best Diddy rant there is. Not only is Diddy passionate but he keeps it short, sweet, and to the point. No five-minute-long rant here like "Ghost Of Christopher Wallace," but it is a bit longer than normal; hey, he had a lot to say. Honestly, this might be my favorite part of the song; I can't say that about any other rant. I find myself from time to time just saying "ROACHEZ" randomly. I might never say roaches the regular way again. Just make sure when you say it in front of people, they know what it's from, otherwise, you come off as a me.

Ranking: 3 Diddys

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Closing Thoughts:

And I'm back.

I know this is like saying water is wet or Rick Ross enjoys eating chicken wings, but listening back to a lot of Diddy's work, sweet baby Jesus that man is an atrocious rapper. I mean, just terrible. But on the other hand, he's an absolutely stellar ranter/talker, so it can only be a good thing that he seems to have consciously gone from even trying to be an artist—a la Dirty Money—to essentially being the hype man on his own song. And so we're perfectly clear, yes, of course, we're having some fun here, but I don't mean that ironically. I genuinely, actually, seriously enjoy a good Diddy intro more than most rappers' verses.

Where else can you hear that sort of passion, paired with some wisdom (and intentional comedy from Combs)?

In other words, hip-hop is so much more entertaining with Diddy in it, and we can only hope that any forthcoming material will include some new rants, speeches, and monologs worthy of being added here. Speaking of which, if we missed some Diddy talk that you think is worthy of being discussed here, throw 'em into the comments. Let's do this thing, or, you know, just stay quiet and post up on the sidelines.

If you want to stay down there with the roaches and not embrace your destiny, that's on you!


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