Move over Beyonce and Jay Z, your summer tour ain't got shit another artist's 2014 World Tour. Any guesses? Drake? Kanye? Kendrick? Nope. Actually, the artist (using that term loosely) I am talking about is the one and only DMX. Yes that's right, taking a break from his rigorous release calendar, DMX is heading on the road and coming to a city near you....that's if you pay 18 grand. Yes, for nearly the year salary of a Burger King fry cook, you can have X come perform the only three songs you would even want to hear at your next social function. We get a lot of strange emails and just absurd requests but this e-mail about DMX may just take the cake.
Since RefinedHype is basically rolling in interwebz money, we hired him for the rest of the year to narrate and soundtrack our lives, while we wait for him to arrive (hoping it's in a box with air holes) we thought, since we are taking him of the table for the year, it might be nice to see what would happen at all those other venues he would be sure to play at.
Cousin Terry's Bah Mitzvah
Grandpa Chuck breaks his hip rocking out to "X Gon Give It To Ya". He is taken tot he hospital in the same ambulance as Grandma who misplaced her heart pills; turns out DMX took them thinking they would get him fucked up; no buzz, but much better blood flow. The Rabbi and DMX get into a long, theoretical discussion about "Lord Give Me A Sign" resulting in X converting to Judiasm and halting the rest of his "tour" to go to Israel.
Office Christmas Party:
Jane from accounting files sexual assault complaints against Barry from sales because he told her he had "the kryptonite" and would "smack her with a dick and a mic". It results in a suspension for Jane who, turns out, had never heard "Party Up" which is a fireable offense. Ken from IT is fired for barking like a dog at the CEO's wife and Suzan fails her drug test because of second hand crack smoke.
Cottonwood Alabama County Fair
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After a horrible mistake by the mayor DMX's set time is cut short. Much to the towns disgust, They come to find out that DMX is not the frontman for the Baha Men; it is "Where My Dogs At" not "Who Let The Dogs Out". To cope with the frustration of having his artistic freedom limited (and them being sold out of cotton candy, DMX scales the side of the Ferris wheel and scares all the cows away with his relentless barking. Chaos erupts as the sheriff and deputy must round up all the course before sundown
get DMX off the Ferris Wheel. It is named the second worst fair ever next toe the great pig fire of 1974.
New York Film Academy Graduation:
More of a speaking went than a performance, but 18 grand is 18 grand. DMX is thrilled that his acting chops are finally being recognized after spending all night writing a speech (ad smoking crack). After giving his speech (which was 10 minutes too long and featured 8 minutes of ad-libs) X becomes frustrated that every question is about Jet Li and not about him. As a protest he cuts his post speech show short, only playing "Ruff Ryders Anthem" four times instead of six.
Clippers Game National Anthem
In an effort to seem more cultured (AKA not racist but totally racist) Donald Sterling brings in DMX to perform a national anthem/"What These Bitches Want" mash-up. Donald Sterling is totally fine with it...so long as nobody takes pictures.
In what way is this little "pay DMX to perform" thing a "world tour"? I guess in the sense that they people who would pay are in the world, but it's a stretch to say the least. Also, what are the odds he shows up on time if at all? If I ever get to the point where I can risk paying DMX 1$8K to probably not show up, I will know I officially made it; I need a raise Nathan. Seriously though if I want to get screamed and barked at, I'll run around naked at the local dog park. Don't need 18 grand to do that.
[Lucas Garrison is a writer for DJBooth.net and RefinedHype. He does not have a beard. You can tweet him your favorite Migos songs at