Last night was another typical night.
It's 3:30 AM and I can't sleep. No new Run The Jewels album so I'm stuck perusing the depths of the internet for new music. I found some. I'm not quite sure what I found, but I found something because before I knew it the clock read 4:12 AM and I am scrolling down on this. It was at that point that I knew it was bedtime. Still, while that Tumblr is good enough for it's own piece (because Asian girls covered in snakes), it is only the tip of the single weirdest, most confusing iceberg I have ever encountered on all my days of being an internet explorer.
That iceberg goes by the name of Estonian trap rapper Tommy Cash.
I repeat, Estonian trap. Take one last breath. One last look around. Because the world as you know it, the pillars of what you formerly based your life on will come crashing to the ground once you hit play on some red pill or blue pill shit. Ready to go down the rabbit hole?
I've been around this internet to know nothing is every what it seems. If something seems fake, it probably is. So, sorry Internet, you'll have to do better than this fake Eastern European rapper. At least that's what I thought at first. After one listen, I was convinced this was some dude (or maybe Christina Ricci with a mustache) from Orlando and we were going to be let in on the joke at the end. I kept waiting for Jimmy Kimmel or Ashton Kutcher to pop out.
And kept waiting....
and waited some more...
I mean there is just no way this guy is a real, actually human being.
Nothing... Just this strange looking white dude with a manicure working out on top of a European apartment building, rapping something about "Japanese" and yet, I couldn't stop replaying it. And that's when I realized that Tommy Cash might be funny, but he's not a joke.
All gifs aside, I really was floored. I had to know more about him, and by more I mean every single fucking thing. I was captivated. He may have the worst flow ever and his lyrics sounded like they were written by a toddler on shrooms. Still though, I needed to figure out just what the fuck I was witnessing. I didn't care about his music but I had to figure out this guys deal. So I pressed play on his other video, and thats when I started to care about the music.
First and foremost, that beat is actually really fucking dope. Tell me you couldn't hear ASAP Rocky or Danny Brown over that? I don't know who produced it or if it's an original, but it absolutely fucking knocks and kind of changed how I felt about Tommy. Well, truthfully, what really changed me was the "Tommy got produced by some chemical wasted cum." That is some poetic shit. A cum reference or a metaphor for our dependence on technology in the post-cold war era? A cum reference, but a great one at that. Laugh all you want, I know I did, but by the end, you'll be laughing with him, not at him. "EUROZ DOLLAZ YENIZ" is funny because he looks like an idiot, but "Guez Whoz Bak" feels like a real song; a funny one, but a good one none the less. I mean the dude raps with a Dracula voice, what the hell else do you need? Did I mention that beat?!
"Well, I don't know Lucas, how about some fucking back story?"
Fair point. I guess I wanted some too, so I set out to learn everything I possibly could about him. It had gone from quirky internet rapper I would soon forget about (because The Internet) to images of a Pulitzer winning piece on Estonia's first famous rapper. So I put my internet detective cap (the one reserved for the Facebook creeping) and got my Estonian on. I managed to dig up an interview with him, but the only problem is they speak Estonian, and yet, there I was, at 4:20 AM, watching an interview of a "fake" rapper in another language hoping to find something. He might be fake, but my obsession was quickly getting too real. Thankfully, I managed to find something I could translate, which I loosely gather is a list of ten things Tommy Cash loves or is passionate about or something. They are as follows:
- HORSES: Because there is no more beautiful world than the feeling of riding.
- sportswear: Practicality, and moreover, I feel the adidas liibukates hero.
- SYMMETRY: Audio Visual terrorism is in my area.
- COMICS: I have always fed the colors, the abnormality and hope!
- FOOD: I'm a very passionate eater.
- Workout: My body is my confidence, self-transcendence is the theme.
- SWIMMING sharks: I've snorkeled once in Sri Lanka, sharks, could be more.
- extremes: All or nothing.
- MILLA Jovovich "THE FIFTH ELEMENT": Uuuh.
- Every last story My Albums: Which can afford here: tommycashworld.com
So when he's not "fucking you so much it makes your ass hurt [direct quote]," (he makes it hurt by volume not power) he's riding horses in sportswear and reading comic books. Good times.
Normally, I would have laughed, obsessed, and then moved on. I mean sure it's weirdly interesting, but then what? Besides, I bet every blog on the planet has already found this guy. So I did a search. No Twitter, no Complex article, nothing. Nobody knows this fucking dude unless they live in Estonia, maybe not even then. I was tempted to write about him, but still not sold. I mean, what would really be the point?
And then I thought about Young Thug, Krispy Kreme, and of course Riff Raff. I had the exact same reaction to Tommy as I did when I heard "Picacho" for the first time and now Young Thug is doing songs with Lil Wayne. Is he really any stranger than ILOVEMANOKKEN? If in five years Tommy is the newest OVO signee and I missed a chance to break it, I would quit life. In 2014, your persona, your edge, is just as important as the music, and Tommy has internet sensation written all over him. So that's why I'm blogging this. A little bit of my obsessive behavior, mixed with a dash of my love for random internet fuckery, plus a sprinkle of hope that I just found the next big viral rapper.
If your curious (which I'm already assuming you are because Tommy Cash is an enigma wrapped in a puzzle ensnared in a quandary) he has an album you can download at Tommycashworld.com. Real or fake, he got me interested enough to actually download his album; that has to count for something right? I have skimmed it and I have to say, the beats are actually pretty impressive. There is a song where he raps lines like, "My chick is the canvas and my brush is my penis," over a dope Enya flip; a must have for any music collection. You can also find him on Facebook, and you better believe I'll be writing about him again. Stay tuned. This is just the beginning.
I've said it once, I've said it twice, and I'll say it again...God bless the internet.
P.S.- This is a picture that exists...
[Lucas Garrison is a writer for DJBooth.net. His favorite album is “College Dropout,” but you can also tweet him your favorite Migos songs at @LucasDJBooth.]