Regular readers know the cycle. I write a "Rap Lines" breakdown, I have the time of my life, for reasons I don't even fully understand I don't write another one for months on end, I realize, "Oh shit, I need to write another rap lines," I apologize for not shining the brilliant light of my journalistic excellence on you more frequently, and then it's back to the rap lines.
Welcome to the latest go-around of that cycle, and this time we'll be spending the next few minutes of our lives talking about Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda." Or more specifically, that one male genitalia-size line in Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda." Alert the Putlizer committee.
Since I assume we've all watched the video eleventy-million times now, and at least ten million of those times on mute, I'll skip straight to the matter at hand. And oh, in case it wasn't already clear, you're about to read an article that's more dick-focused than a Viagra marketing meeting. You've been warned.
"This dude named Michael used to ride motorcycles
Dick bigger than a tower, I ain't talking about Eiffels"
First, we need to take a moment to appreciate the moment in hip-hop history this really is. Impressively, or disturbingly depending on your feelings about wangs in rap lyrics, this is the second major wiener size > Paris landmark to hit the world in just the last couple years. Come on, you know what I'm talking about, right?
"I pray my dick gets big as the Eiffel Tower" - Kendrick Lamar "Backseat Freestyle"
Did Nicki have Kendrick's prayed-for pants rocket on her mind when she wrote that line for "Anaconda"? Or did it simply seep into her subconcious and when she was looking to make a skin flute-size reference, Eiffel was the first thing that popped into her head? These are crucial questions, and also the reason Nicki's publicists will never let me interview her.
After some serious research, aka RapGenius searching, while Eiffel Tower references seem to be on the rise in general, primarily as a way to indicate globe-trotting prowess or the size of one's money stack or the heights of one's high, so far Kendrick seems to be the true originator of French landmark pork sword references. If Nicki popularizes it, I just want to make sure the right person gets the credit.
What's secretly hilarious about this line once you think about it for more than two seconds, and so far I appear to be the only person who's thought about it for more than two seconds, is how vague it is. While many have taken the line to indicate that the aforementioned Michael's johnson (word to Michael Johnson) is even bigger than the Eiffel Tower, which would make his junk upwards of at least 986 feet for those into specifics, that's not necessarily true. The only information Nicki's given us is that she's not talking about the Eiffel. Nothing more, nothing less.
So yes, on one end of the dick measurement spectrum, Nicki really could be trying to say that his baloney pony is more Burj Khalifa than Eiffel. Completely true, but that's just an assumption. She could also be talking about any tower smaller than the Eiffel.
Nicki Minaj's Friend: "So, how did that date with Michael go last night?"
Nicki Minaj: "Girl, that man did me right. He had a huge dong."
Nicki's Friend: "Huge? Like bigger than the Eiffel Tower?"
Nicki: "What? No, I ain't talking 'bout Eiffel. That's got to be the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life. How big do you think my vagina is? Like I could get the Eiffel tower inside there, let alone something bigger. You'd be planning my funeral right now if that was the case."
Nicki's Friend: "Ok, ok, sorry. So how big was it though? Like...a Jenga Tower?"
Nicki: "A Jenga tower? A fucking Jenga tower? Have you ever played Jenga? Those things can get like three feet high. That's insane, no one's dick is that big. What the fuck is wrong with you? If you really want to do a tower comparison, I'd say like...a decent size Lego tower. He was bigger than that. Ok, you happy now?"
Nicki's Friend: "God, sorry. Forget I brought it up"
I'd also like to point out that, while I neither own a motorcycle nor have a pink oboe that has even been compared to an architectural structure, if Michael is indeed packing some serious size, I have to believe a motorcycle is about the worst possible transportation vehicle choice he could possibly make. Then again, considering he was also apparently tossing salad and dropping racks on expensive clothes, Michael wasn't making a lot of good life decisions at the time. I just hope things turned out better for him than Dirk Diggler. Schlong size can prove to be more of a blessing than a curse.
So what did we learn from all this? Not a goddamn thing - you thought this was about learning? Really this was just an exercise passing the time thinking way too much about ridiculous rap lyrics, and seeing how many different names for male genitalia I could come up with, because really, when it comes down to it, why else would God have invented the internet?
Just remember this moment a year from now when Lil Wayne drops a "baby-arm as big as the Eiffel" line. I want credit for calling it. Until next time friends...
[Nathan S. is the managing editor of The DJBooth and a hip-hop writer. He also occasionally talks in podcast form and appears on RevoltTV. His beard is awesome. This is his Twitter.]