Poppin' Tags: Absurd Rap Shit I Found On eBay

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Last night I went to bed with the Kanye thinkpiece to end all Kanye thinkpieces plotted out in my head.

I couldn't wait to wake up.

As Krizzle's "Boobie Miles" blared (yes "Boobie Miles" is my alarm sound), my eyes shot open like it was Christmas. Today was the day I would write the greatest Kanye West article in the history of the internet. I rushed to work - which means I grabbed my laptop, went to my living room and sat at my desk - and prepared for greatness. I expected my fingers to move faster than a kid trying to get to third base on prom night, but I sat there, and sat there, and nothing came.

I choked, 8 Mile, vomit on the sweater style.

For one reason or another, my Kanye piece just wasn't flowing. So I did what we all do when we have something important that needs doing; I procrastinated.

Now, for the average person procrastinating at work probably means visiting your favorite music site (like, say, DJBooth) but when you work for said outlet, even when you procrastinate you're still working. I started trying to find some new songs or videos that would make for a good feature, but I was feeling especially "meh" so even that wasn't coming naturally. So what do you do when you can't think of anything to do? eBay. Before you know it, Kanye thinkpieces and the next greatest rapper waiting to get discovered were a mere afterthought because I was waist deep in Lil Mama merch.

Some writers are born great, others have greatness thrust upon them by eBay. Seriously, all of these are things that exist in the world. Let's take a look..

Parappa The Rapper Toaster:$400.00

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I am the original owner of the Parappa the Rapper Printing Toaster, and I have used it a total of 3 times. Everything is super clean and in like new condition. The box shows some minor rubbing wear and small denting in the corners, but is otherwise intact and utterly charming with great cartoon depictions of PaRappa, Sunny and PJ Berri. The box really makes this item and in my opinion key to owning this. The toaster itself is super clean, and contains no scuffs, scratches, dents or broken pieces. The toaster is truly in like new condition.

For the low low price of $400 you can be the proud owner of a toaster from a video game that was popular for ten minutes back in 1997. Seriously though, you would be amazed at the amount of PaRappa The Rapper related shit that is on eBay. Like, 20% of my findings were PaRappa related. Now, 20% may not seem like a lot, but when you consider just how random PaRappa is, 20% is astronomically high. Seriously, though? The last time I played the game was a demo on the original PlayStation at the Rockville, MD, Toys"R"Us and this dude is asking for $400 so I can eat toast with PaRappa's face burned into it? 

Sold!

1/6 Scale Custom Eminem the Rapper Figure:$200.00

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Custom Eminem the Rapper wearing Detroit snapback Detroit Pistons Grant Hill jersey white tee-shirt a pair of jeans a pair of timberland boot a iced out cross chain gun belt buckle a 9mm handgun he has a ipod and headphones and a microphone I use the subway toy eminem head sculpt and a true type body all items won from eBay auctions I put a lot into putting this item together so the auction start price is firm.

First and foremost, the phrase, "Eminem the Rapper" made me audibly laugh. Like, I thought this was a figure of the 19th century Dutch explorer Eminem, imagine my disappointment if I had ordered it and got "Eminem the Rapper" by mistake. Anyway, I'm pretty sure this nutjob made this himself. From what I can decipher from "a microphone I use the subway toy eminem head sculpt and a true type body all items won from eBay auctions" the dude bought all of this shit separately, then slapped it on a G.I. Joe and called it Eminem. While I commend his hustle for finding a mini Grant Hill throwback, that's insane. I can almost guarantee this guy has a replica of The Shelter, a black G.I. Joe doll in a tank top he calls Lotto and he acts out the rap battles; where's the Chedda Bob figure with his removable crutches?

Paying $200 bucks for a G.I. Joe that kind of looks like Eminem? Pass. Although knowing Eminem fans, this'll fly off the digital shelf.

A Pair of Lugz : $8.55

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Reebok pumps? Boring! Every sneakerhead knows no kick collection is complete without a pair of shiny(?) Lugz. Your move Air Yeezy...

1990s NO LIMIT RECORDS Solid 10k Gold Pendant/Charm RAPPERS BLING!$179.99

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For sale is a "No Limit Records" pendant. This pendant is made of SOLID 10k (41.7%) gold. I have looked this thing all over and although my acids are missing (to test it) I'm certain it's real, solid gold. The pendant weighs 5.4 grams and measures 1 3/8" by 1 1/4". It is marked 417 on the backside top of the pendant. It's missing it's original bail (I think) but you could still wear it on a chain. I think it's from the 1990s and would consider it a piece of "rapper bling". The pendant appears to be cut or stamped out of gold, not made with the highest quality in mind, but it's a good enough likeness of the logo. This is a neat piece, perfect for any collection!

Finally, something that's actually useful! In all seriousness, if I had 180 bucks lying around, I might seriously consider this one. I'm serious. Like really serious. Of all this shit I found, this would be the only item I really want. Also, I love when he says, "I think it's from the 1990s and would consider it a piece of 'rapper bling.'" I don't know how this guy got his hands on this chain, but that sentence leads me to believe he's completely unworthy of its power. He stumbled onto this jewelry like Frodo. Regardless, I'm sold. Now I just need $180 (logs onto gofundme).

Vintage Jodeci Raekwon Wu-Tang Rap Hiphop Concert Tour Tshirt XL: $300.00

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Condition: Deadstock. New never worn. There are no stains, rips, or holes.
Size: Adult XL. Please see the measurements to see how this item will fit you.
Pit to pit: 23"
Length: 29.5"

We do not accept trades.
Sorry there are no returns for this item.
All Illinois buyers must pay tax.

Sure, it costs $300, but can you really put a price on a Jodeci/Wu-Tang Shirt? Yes. Yes you can, and that price should have two less zeros.

Rapper BIG SEAN Signed Baseball w/COA Finally Famous (Proof) RARE: $120.00

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Here is a Big Sean (Rap Star) Signed ROMLB Baseball IT IS AUTOGRAPHED IN BLUE PEN

You are goddamn right it's rare because who asks a rapper to sign a baseball? A BASEBALL?!?! Big Sean?!?! Absolutely ma'am I'd love to sign your baby.

LIL MAMA RAP HIP HOP PERSONAL CAMERA AND 512MB CARD 185 PICTURES 2005 2007: $499.99

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185 PICTURES ON 512MB CARD PLUS CAMERA. THIS BELONGED TO LIL MAMA FAMOUS RAP HIP HOP DANCE JUDGE. NOT SURE WHO IS IN THEM I CAN TELL AVRIL LAVIGNE BUT THAT IS ALL I KNOW...DATE STAMPS 2005 2007

YOOOOOO!!!! There aren't enough Funk Flex bombs in the world to describe my jubilation right now! I don't want a camera that once belonged to Lil Mama, I need it. Sure, $500 dollars is a lot, but not only do you get a cool, totally useless digital camera, but you also get 185 pictures of Lil Mama!!!!!!!!! The way I see it, this is an investment; once she drops "Lip Gloss Pt. 2" the value will increase ten fold. In all seriousness, I'm legitmately and personally offended that someone would try and charged 500 bucks for this.

But wait there's more...

LIL MAMA RAP HIP HOP PERSONAL HOODIE VOICE OF THE YOUNG PEOPLE VYP PLUS:$199.99

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I BUY STORAGE LOCKERS AT AUCTION AND GOT ONE YESTERDAY THAT HAD A LOT OF LIL MAMAS ITEMS IN IT. HER WE HAVE A JACKET WITH VYP ON IT...I FOUND PICTURES OF HER ONLINE WEARING IT...PLUS YOU GET WHAT WAS IN THE POCKETS A LIGHTER AND A LIP GLOSS. IN NICE USED CONDITION

You know if someone is telling you something in all caps it's important and it doesn't get more important than this. I'll tell ya, the real steal here isn't a $200 sweatshirt, it's the lip gloss. With so many fakes and phonies in the game today, you really can't put a price on knowing that Lil Mama practiced what she preached. I'd even be willing to pay $250 for this...so long as the lip gloss is, indeed, poppin'. The Lil Mama firesale continues...

LOT OF WIGS LIL MAMA HIP HOP USED IN SCRAWBERRY VIDEO: $199.99

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I BUY STORAGE LOCKERS AT AUCTION AND GOT ONE THAT HAS A LOT OF ITEMS THAT USED TO BELONG TO FAMOUS HIP HOP ARTIST AND AMERICA'S BEST DANCE CREW JUDGE LIL MAMA.  WAS RENTED BY URIAH CORNWELL A FRIEND/ASSOCIATE OF HERS.  HERE WE HAVE THE ACTUAL WIGS USED IN HER MUSIC VIDEO FOR "SCRAWBERRY" 

You know, before today I had totally forgotten Lil Mama existed and I damn sure had never heard of this "Scrawberry" business, but now that I do know, I simply must have these wigs. To own your own little part of history like that has to be amazing. Plus, that red bow will make my Lil Mama sweatshirt really pop. I can't wait to take selfies in my Lil Mama sweatshirt and my Lil Mama wig on with my Lil Mama camera. I just hope I don't have to delete any pictures of Lil Mama with Avril Lavigne.

Okay.

This is addicting.

I need to stop.

I started the day expecting to write about Kanye and now I'm listening to random Lil Mama songs. God bless eBay, and god bless the internet. Lil Mama aside though, eBay is a pretty insane place for hip-hop shit. From drum loops to Ja Rule DVDs you can find literally anything you'll never need; some rappers are even pushing their super rare demos! I can't believe I just spent the day perusing the aisles of eBay - I didn't even share half the cool stuff I found, so we might just have to do a part two. Until then, though, I highly recommend doing a search yourself.

It's the best way to procrastinate, unless you work for a music website...then...I guess you'll be working?

[Lucas Garrison is a writer for DJBooth.net. His favorite album is “College Dropout,” but you can also tweet him your favorite Migos songs at @LucasDJBooth.]

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