Break out the fine China, Dad's home.
I don't even want to talk about how long it's been since the last "Rap Lines That Make No Fucking Sense." Let's just say that I know I've let you all down and I'm sorry. I'm just not the man or rap blogger I wish I was. But now that the last The Life of Pablo thinkpiece has been thoughted, Kanye West himself seems to have moved on to a new album and I've had some time to really digest the project, it felt like the perfect chance to make a comeback.
For those who are new, and as you might have guessed by the title, these aren't lines that are wack, disappointing or even ridiculous. I'm specifically looking for lines that are factually incorrect/illogical/don't hold up once you start really thinking about them. When Jay Z just basically listed different kinds of cake for what felt like an eternity that was wack, but it technically made sense. He's right, those are all real kinds of cake. But when Jay said that his ".38 revolve like the sun around the Earth" it sounded dope but that shit made no fucking sense. Got it?
And with that, let's get this thing poppin...
"Father Stretch My Hands Pt. 1"
"Now if I fuck this model / And she just bleached her asshole / And I get bleach on my T-shirt / I'mma feel like an asshole"
You knew this was coming. I'm about to earn the NC-17 rating on this post.
First, let's take a moment to acknowledge that Kanye apparently fucks with his shirt on, which is adorable. Here it could just be because they're having a bathroom quickie and not even removing clothes, but I prefer to think it's because Kanye's embarrassed about his gut—like this kid Kevin Griffin who used to shower with his shirt on after gym class in middle school, except instead of Kevin, it's Kanye and he's a famous genius.
Second, the only way this works is if Kanye's wearing a really loose t-shirt. This clearly isn't a Hanes situation, we're talking about one of those flowing Yeezy shirts that's basically also a sundress, which actually does make sense. Kanye's not about to fuck a model wearing anything except his own brand. Although it should be noted that he seems to be more concerned about accidentally bleaching his t-shirt than he does about accidentally bleaching his...little Yeezus. I'd consider that a case of misplaced priorities, but I'm not here to judge.
Third, I did some research—because they don't just hand out Pulitzer's to anyone—and anal bleaching is a very real thing. Since we know from later in the song that he was with this model "down in Tribeca," we have to assume she went to one of these local salons (thanks Yelp!). Or, of course, she could have gone the home treatment route, but that feels a bit risky for a model. Anyway...some further research failed to uncover how long it takes for a bleached asshole to no longer be wet, but I can't imagine it's a drying paint situation. I'm gonna go ahead and assume she got the "procedure" done recently.
And fourth, I've done some informal polling, and the consensus seems to be that in this situation he's fucking doggystyle, but I'm not so sure. In doggy yes, the shirt would be above the wang and closer to the asshole, but the ass itself also actually serves as a barrier between the shirt and the asshole. In reality, I feel like it could be the position that's least likely to stain his t-shirt. Unless, of course, Kanye's actively spreading cheeks while going to town, which given his bleaching concerns seems like a suicide move.
I'd like to advance the theory that instead he's actually engaged in some deep missionary here, perhaps even with her legs up around her shoulders. Now he's leaning forward, t-shirts flowing in the breeze, asshole is right out there in the open, and now you've got some real potential for some staining to happen. The same would go for a reverse-cowgirl, feels like a very high drippage potential there, although again, that's assuming it's an actively dripping situation.
So in summary, this is the kind of line that seems to make straightforward sense until you really start thinking about it, in which case things very immediately gets murky and weird. It's so oddly specific that it feels like Kanye must be speaking from real life experience, although I'm having trouble imaging exactly how it went down. When I finally get that big sit down interview with 'Ye, you know what we'll be talking about.
"Father Stretch My Hands Pt. 1"
"Man I'm the macho like Randy" - Desiigner
You can be macho like "Macho Man" Randy Savage, but you can't be "the macho." It makes me think that Desiigner doesn't actually know what the word macho means. He seems to think "macho" is a noun, not an adjective. Future would have never made that kind of grammatical mistake.
"PETA's mad cause I made a jacket outta possum"
In a surprise turn of events, I actually have to apologize to Kanye here. Not knowing anything about fashion, I heard that line and thought, "Really, people are making possum jackets? Like, fancy, fashionable jackets made from those animals who look like rats addicted to huffing paint? There's no way people wear possum jackets."
But it turns out that people totally do wear possum fur and PETA's really pissed about it, so my hats off to you Mr. West. That line makes complete sense, and I wanted to do you the justice of including my mistake here. Carry on.
"Sometimes I'm wishin' that my dick had GoPro / So I could play that shit back in slo-mo"
If it seems like I'm writing about a lot about dicks, it's because Kanye raps a lot about his dick on this album and doesn't make very much sense while he's at it. Don't hate the player, hate the wangs.
A GoPro video camera attached directly to a dick would, first, make sex impossible - or at the very least thoroughly painful for both parties. The method of attaching the camera feels like it'd be a nightmare and it's hard to imagine even getting the camera in there once, let alone doing any sort of thrusting. Just bad times all around.
But even suspending disbelief regarding the mechanics of having sex with a camera strapped to your Johnson—remember, he said "Sometimes I wish"—the video itself would be incredibly boring. It'd be like 99% darkness and weird noises, like attaching a camera to a stick and dropping it down a dark well. Kanye clearly needs to leave the sex tape creation up to his best friend Ray J. At least that man understands the basics of cinematography.
On the plus side though, GoPro's do have a protective casing that prevents them from being damaged by, say, bleach, so he'd have that going for him.
"I know it's corny bitches you wish you could unfollow"
You can definitely unfollow corny people of all genders. It's really easy. You just click that big "unfollow" button.
"Siiiiiiiiilver Surffffeeeeer Intermission" (the whole thing)
The 'Intermission" is a jail call from Max B giving Kanye his blessing to title his album Waves, which would have been really cool except KAYNE CHANGED THE ALBUM TITLE AND IT'S NOT CALLED WAVES ANYMORE.
My best guess is that Kanye just didn't feel right cutting Max B from the album after having gone through the trouble of getting him to make that call even though the whole thing doesn't make sense anymore, which is honorable of him but doesn't make it any more sensical. And don't even get me started on how many "Swish" references there are on this album that Kanye didn't bother to go back and remove after the title change.
"No More Parties in L.A."
"I feel like Pablo when I'm workin' on my shoes / I feel like Pablo when I see me on the news / I feel like Pablo when I'm workin' on my house"
Ok, so in the first line, he feels like Pablo Picasso when he's working on his fashion designs. Bit of a stretch but sure, fine, I'll give it to him. I won't pop a man's artistic dreams. The second line, he feels like Pablo Escobar when he sees himself on the news. Even more of a stretch but again, ok, fine, it's a good old-fashioned rap boast. Third line....que?
First, I have a hard time believing that Kanye is ever "working on his house." It's not like he's on a ladder cleaning out the gutters of his Bel Air mansion. By "working on his house" he has to mean...telling other people what to do? And he seems to assume that one of those presumably Latino gentlemen is named Pablo, which...I still have no idea why he feels like an underpaid Latino day laborer. I'm willing to give him Pablo Picasso and Pablo Escobar, but Pablo the gardener? That shit makes no fucking sense. And with that, I'm out.