I recently published the Pulitzer Prize-worthy article "10 Times Rappers Didn’t Understand Basic Female Anatomy." Almost immediately after the story went live on DJBooth, countless readers asked, “But where’s the article about all of the times rappers didn't understand MALE anatomy?”
Well, it’s complicated.
The reason I hadn’t yet written the male version is that it was even more depressing. While there are tons of examples of male rappers misunderstanding female anatomy, there are even more examples of male rappers misunderstanding male anatomy, which is pretty unforgivable. But, for the sake of journalistic integrity, let's go ahead and finish the race. It's the right thing to do.
So here we go. The most anticipated sequel of all time. This makes Infinity War look like a small deal. Here are 10 times rappers didn’t understand basic male anatomy. (I narrowed it down to 10 so it wouldn’t be as long as Drake’s new album.)
Lil Yachty — “She blow that dick like a cello”
Song: "Peek a Boo"
In Mr. Yachty’s defense, this isn’t necessarily a misunderstanding of anatomy, it’s a misunderstanding of cellos. As we all know, a cello isn’t a wind instrument. Yachty since realized his mistake and apologized, but the damage was already done. A million apologies from Yachty can never remove the “She blow that dick like a cello” tattoo I impulsively got after hearing this song.
2 Chainz — “My dick so hard it make the metal detector go off”
Song: "All Me" (Drake)
I don’t care how excited you are, that’s simply not possible. To be sure, I checked, and sure enough, TSA has no protocol for erections. I mean, it’s awkward, but it won’t be a security issue. They’ll let you through. They won’t be happy about it but they’ll let you through.
Lil B — “Bitches suck my dick because I cum like 36 ways”
Song: "Wonton Soup"
Are there really 35 other ways? Have I been missing out? I’m gonna look into this. Give me a few hours.
Childish Gambino — “An elephant never forgets, so my dick remembers everything”
Song: "Freaks and Geeks"
Note to self: If Donald Glover is starring in the Dumbo remake, do NOT see it.
Polow Da Don — “Every freak should have a picture of my dick on they wall”
Song: "Throw Some D’s" (Rich Boy)
Imagine visiting the home of your sister or a platonic female friend, and seeing a picture of Polow Da Don’s genitals hanging on the wall like it’s a fucking Picasso painting. Can’t they at least have the decency to put a blanket over it when they have company? Unbelievable.
Danny Brown — “Sent your bitch a dick pic and now she need glasses”
Daniel, my girlfriend's nearsightedness has no connection to the unsolicited dick pic you sent her last Tuesday.
Kendrick Lamar — “Her body got that ass that a ruler couldn’t measure / And it make me cum fast but I never get embarrassed”
Song: "Backseat Freestyle"
Kendrick, have some goddamn humility and apologize to the woman. You’re supposed to be at least a little embarrassed.
2Pac — “Plus momma told me never stop until I bust a nut”
Song: "Hail Mary"
Ok, this isn't a misunderstanding of anatomy but come on Pac, there’s no way your mother ever said that.
The Notorious B.I.G. — “When I met you I admit my first instinct was to trick / You look so good, I'll suck on your daddy’s dick”
Song: "Me & My Bitch"
You know I had to include this one. For reasons we may never understand, Biggie genuinely thought performing fellatio on your girlfriend's father was the ultimate romantic gesture.
Immortal Technique — “I jerk off inside books and bring life to words”
Song: "Positive Balance"
Don’t be fooled, I just tried this with Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban and it did NOT work.
LIL WAYNE BONUS ROUND
Trying to choose just one Lil Wayne line was impossible, so instead, I chose nine. Brace yourself.
“I throw that dick like darts” ("Ball")
“Man I swear my bitches do it 'til they suck the brown off” ("Miss Me")
“She said my dick could be the next president” ("I Am Not a Human Being")
“And had a dream that my dick turned to Megatron” ("I Am Not a Human Being")
“Uh, I'm in the ocean getting shark pussy” ("I Am Not a Human Being")
“My dick is a AK” ("Wowzers")
“No rubber, I just fucked this piano” ("I Am Not a Human Being")
“We don't feel you, like an elephant getting fucked with a tick dick” ("My Homies Still)
“My dick is a NASCAR” ("Wowzers")
And that’s only like 3% of the examples. I love Wayne, but if he wants me to listen to Tha Carter V, he needs to first take a human anatomy class. Disgusting.