I was going to write an article about the “five best rap songs to work out to,” but then I realized how cliché that would be. Instead, I decided to write an article that’s WAY more helpful. And it’s some shit I learned the hard way.
Recently I was at the gym for some godforsaken reason. Obviously, I had to listen to music through my headphones. Working out without music is like doing karaoke without alcohol: physically possible, but what kind of sociopathic monster would do it?
Unfortunately, I made the fatal mistake of just letting my Apple Music shuffle and not putting on a specific “workout playlist.” During this painful experience, I gained years worth of fitness wisdom. I also discovered the five WORST rap songs to workout to.
Here they are. You’ll thank me later.
Immortal Technique — "Dance With the Devil"
If you’ve never heard "Dance With the Devil," you've likely never been trapped in a car with a white girl with cornrows who hit you with the “I gotta show you the CRAZIEST song, no one has heard of it” monologue. It’s way too disturbing to be played within seven miles of a 24 Hour Fitness.
The climax of the "Dance With the Devil" story features Immortal Technique spitting the line, “He jumped off the roof and died with no soul,” which is almost what I did when I accidentally farted on a girl while trying to lift weights.
B.o.B — "Airplanes" ft. Hayley Williams
If you’re in your mid-20s, you remember "Airplanes" as the song that every emo kid would quote on Facebook when they were in a bad mood. It was more than just a song; it was a calling card for melodramatic teenagers.
“Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, I could really use a wish right now :(“
Shut the fuck up, Liz from science class.
So you’re on the treadmill and this song comes on, suddenly overwhelming you with every negative high school memory ever: acne scars, rejected prom proposals, boners in math class, the list goes on and on.
Now you’re not even in the mood to work out. You’re not in the mood to do anything other than stare into space and wonder where everything went wrong.
2Pac — "Dear Mama"
This song will always be a classic. But it’s not a “blast at the gym and get your #GAINZ” classic, it’s a “sob in the car and feel guilty about that one time you yelled at your mom because she wouldn't stop at Taco Bell after soccer practice” classic.
This song is way too emotionally powerful to be played during a workout. Attempting to listen to "Dear Mama" in the gym will inevitably cut your workout short when you throw your weights down and rush to go buy your mom a Starbucks gift card to apologize for the time you stole from her purse in the fifth grade.
Lil Pump — "Gucci Gang"
There’s nothing wrong with the song itself, but some douchebag will hear the bleed from your AirPods and he’ll pull you away from the treadmill to lecture you about “real hip-hop.”
Drake — "Marvins Room"
I’ve written extensively about the historical significance of "Marvins Room," the drunken voicemail anthem of a generation.
If this song comes on while you're in the gym, you will start thinking about that time you drunk texted your ex-girlfriend Monica. Then you look in the distance and notice a girl on the elliptical that looks JUST like Monica. Then you realize, holy shit, that girl IS Monica.
You gotta get the fuck out of this gym. Workout canceled.
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