I say with this love and admiration... 50 Cent is a petty bitch.
Charlamagne The God once said, “50’s petty doesn't have an expiration date.” He couldn't have been more right. 50 Cent is the pettiest man on earth. He’s turned unbelievable, shameless, immature pettiness into an art form itself. And it’s glorious to behold.
If 50 was a cast member on The Golden Girls he’d be Petty White. If he was a Flinstones character he’d be Petty Rubble. His favorite Spielberg movie is probably Petty Player One. He’s what would happen if scientists combined all my ex-girlfriends into one person.
Here are just a few of 50 Cent’s pettiest moments. And I'm just scratching the surface. The list is damn near infinite.
HE POSTED A VIDEO OF HIMSELF BEING RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL AFTER LISTENING TO FAT JOE’S ALBUM
On YouTube, 50 uploaded a video where he is taken into the hospital and almost dies after getting “noise poisoning” from Fat Joe’s album. With bandages on his face, he bawls in his son's arms. For reasons we’ll never understand, he somehow didn’t get an Oscar nomination for this performance.
HE TRIED TO CONVINCE FANS THAT DIDDY MIGHT LITERALLY BE THE DEVIL
50 went on Instagram and likened Puff to Satan, with a series of posts about rappers who used to be signed to Bad Boy. He posted about how Mase is now a preacher, how Loon converted to Islam and is now a devout Muslim, and how Shyne converted to Orthodox Judaism, implying their time working with Diddy was “dancing with the devil” and it drove them towards religion. I smell an amazing horror screenplay.
HE BLAMED HIS TERRIBLE FIRST PITCH AT A NEW YORK METS GAME ON EXCESSIVE MASTURBATION
In 2014, Fif threw the ceremonial first pitch at a Mets game and it was infamously awful. In response to the criticism, 50 casually blamed the pitch on a shoulder injury he got from jerking off too much. Legendary.
HE DIDN’T SIGN DANNY BROWN BECAUSE HE DIDN’T LIKE HIS JEANS
Rumor has it that 50 considered signing Danny Brown to his G-Unit label but decided not to because he didn't like his jeans. Danny is a great artist so maybe 50 made a mistake, or maybe Danny just didn't fit with the G-Unit brand so it was for the best. Either way, this stands as an important lesson to young artists: If 50 Cent wants to sign you, don't wear pants to the meeting.
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HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND VIVICA FOX IMPLIED HE WAS GAY, THEN HE TWEETED “NOW SHE THINKS I’M GAY BECAUSE I LET HER LICK MY A--?”
HE CHALLENGED FLOYD MAYWEATHER TO READ A CAT IN THE HAT ON TV TO PROVE HE CAN READ
50 tried to set up the boxing match of the century: Floyd Mayweather vs Dr. Seuss. Fif offered $750,000 to a charity of Floyd’s choice if he could get on TV and read a full page from A Cat in the Hat to prove he’s not illiterate. I'd definitely shell 100 bucks for that pay-per-view. If you think that sounds like a rip-off, it’d be no less pointless than his McGregor fight.
LITERALLY EVERYTHING HE’S EVER DONE TO RICK ROSS
Where do we even start? 50 and Rick Ross might have the most comedic, over-the-top beef in rap history. Their beef feels like it was written and produced by Seth Rogen and James Franco. Fif interviewed the mother of Ross’ child and videotaped himself taking her on a shopping spree, and took her and Ross’ son to hang at Floyd Mayweather’s house (this was years before #SuessGate.) He mocked Ross’ time as a correctional officer by releasing “Officer Ricky” cartoons, like some kind of rap game Seth MacFarlane. He leaked a sex tape, complete with dubbed commentary. He publicly mocked Ross after a heart attack. The list goes on and on. This guy is a fucking Batman villain.
HE POSTED A PICTURE OF HIMSELF GETTING A FOOT MASSAGE AT THE DENTIST BECAUSE... WELL I DON’T KNOW
50 is simply out here living his best life.
HE SUED TACO BELL BECAUSE OF COURSE HE SUED TACO BELL
In 2009, Diarrheaville aka Taco Bell got caught in a lawsuit with 50 after they used his name in an ad campaign without permission. To this day, 50 Cent vs Taco Bell remains the most brutal rap beef the culture has ever witnessed.
HE BOUGHT 200 TICKETS TO JA RULE’S CONCERT SO THE SEATS WOULD BE EMPTY
This story is the one that inspired this article. Because this is hands down the funniest goddamn thing I've ever seen.
Remember, kids. Cyberbullying is never okay... Unless 50 Cent does it.
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