We’re only two months into 2020, and I just had the greatest idea of the decade.
Music festivals are an essential part of modern music fandom. Whether it’s attending them, making fun of them, or watching fun documentaries about disastrous ones. Another essential part of modern music fandom is hater culture. Particularly on Rap Twitter, there are multiple recurring villains we love to tear down. So why not combine the two?
Imagine, if you will, a new, innovative music festival catering to hater culture. A festival where rap fans can see the rappers they hate the most, so they can finally hate them in person. Imagine a festival of the internet’s most hated rappers.
Tag along with me, as we imagine HaterFest 2020… an annual festival founded and organized by the OG’s of hate-able hip-hop long before the digital era, Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer. Together, the pair, known as Icey Hammer, will pool all their funds to build this project from the ground up. So their budget will be $16.43.
Luckily, Ja Rule will help the pairing get the festival off the ground. It’s not ideal, but then again, if you’re gonna put on a festival like this, you may as well let a has-been rapper with a history of work alongside a convicted criminal foot the bill. Now with this blockbuster budget, the sky is the limit for booking any big-name their heart’s desire.
At this point, you’re probably curious about the make-up of this line-up. The better question is, who ISN’T performing? This line-up is STACKED with Rap Twitter’s most reviled figures. Russ, Logic, Hopsin, Eminem, Kanye, Chance, Joyner Lucas, NF, Iggy Azalea, G-Eazy, Post Malone, Macklemore, Soulja Boy, Tyga, and Lil Pump are all on the bill. Nick Cannon asked to be involved, but they turned him away because you gotta draw the line somewhere.
Hip-hop heads from around the globe will gather to a desert in New Mexico to hate on their least favorite rappers in person. Naturally, fans of these artists will flock to the festival, too. So the crowd will be divided into two sections. The fan section will be packed with cheering supporters; the hater section will be packed with rage-filled, profanity-spewing monsters who will be encouraged to throw tomatoes (the first concertgoer to hit the artist with the tomato wins a free T-shirt.) If you’re not laughing right now, you’re not picturing G-Eazy performing “Me, Myself & I” with his $40,000 leather jacket drenched in tomato juice.
HaterFest 2020 will revolutionize festivals and hating. A concentrated gathering of haters on such a massive scale will be an unprecedented accomplishment in and of itself. It’d be like Coachella if Coachella were filled with snobby white hipsters who were on their phones the whole time. On second thought, it’ll be exactly like Coachella.
HaterFest 2020 will be a weekend full of memorable moments. Macklemore will interrupt his set to give a passionate anti-Trump speech. His words will be so painful, though, it’ll turn even the most hardcore liberals into staunch MAGAheads. Chance The Rapper will contractually be allowed to only perform songs from his “debut” album The Big Day, risking dire legal consequences if he even considers a deep cut off Acid Rap. Similarly, Eminem will only be allowed to perform songs from Revival; for his encore, he’ll perform “Stan,” and security will promptly drag him off stage by his feet. Meanwhile, Kanye’s Sunday Service set will go off the rails after he tries to baptize Post Malone forcibly.
But HaterFest 2020 isn’t just about spectacle; it’s about giving back. That’s why Icey Hammer will hold an online competition to let up-and-coming rappers submit for a spot to perform. The “Lyrical Spiritual Miracle Competition” gives a festival slot and a MASSIVE payday to the whitest SoundCloud rapper who can spit the fastest verse with the biggest words in the most nonsensical way. MC Bradley of Madison, Wisconsin, will win after submitting a link to his freestyle, where he says, “metaphysical red typical bread is visible with invisible principles in a minuscule swimming pool” in .03 seconds. Logic and a sentient thesaurus will judge the contest.
Security will be tight due to thousands upon thousands of death threats on social media. Heavily armed security guards will keep their eyes peeled for dangerous men like @RapFacts11 who tweeted, “Anyone come with me to HaterFest this year just to decapitate Russ?” and got 2,000 retweets. Roughly 68 percent of the festival’s entire budget goes into protecting Russ from assassination attempts.
HaterFest 2020 will be a cultural revolution. Woodstock for haters. It’ll be beautiful, transcendent, and epic. You’re gonna fuckin hate it.