We’re always debating who the greatest rapper is based on lyricism, flow, originality, etc. But there’s one factor we often unfairly ignore: how excited would you be to get drunk with [fill in the blank]?
Well, that’s why I'm here.
We can debate #barz and discographies tomorrow. Today, let's focus on the 10 rappers I wanna get drunk with the most...
Hov is such an emotionless dude; he’s never smiled or frowned in his life. I have a theory he’s an emotional drunk. That’s when his feelings finally spill out.
Once the liquor hits, he probably hugs all his buddies like “I love you SO MUCH, man. I cherish your friendship, bro… ”
Imagine hearing those words in a slurred JAY-Z voice. Imagine how heartwarming that would be.
Kanye is a wild dude, and that’s when he's sober Ye. When it comes to his Yeezian shenanigans, we’ve barely scratched the surface.
The most hilarious moment of Ye’s career was when he interrupted Taylor Swift at the VMA’s. He was drunk when that happened.
I can tell that drunken Kanye is the funniest man in North America. Combine Dave Chappelle, Jerry Seinfeld, and Chris Rock and multiply that by a trillion… And that's still only one-percent of how funny drunk Kanye would be.
One of the main criticisms against Eminem, at least of late, has been his inability to top his early career work. His post-hiatus albums simply don't hold up to the universal acclaim of the music he churned out in his prime.
On a related note, Em has been sober for a decade. Offering Em even one drink could have an “if you give a mouse a cookie” effect, causing him to relapse into addiction and later creating his modern masterpiece.
I know this sounds cruel, but wait until The Marshall Mathers LP 3 drops and it’s the album of the century.
An intoxicated debate about hip-hop with Joe fuckin Budden? That’s my ultimate dream.
After a few too many beers, I'll slip up and mention how much I love Lil Yachty. Joe will then launch into a rage-fueled rant, with the booze making him more aggressive. Bonus points if it's on his podcast.
At this moment, Joe is six Corona bottles away from strangling an Illmatic slanderer, and I wanna witness it. Historic.
Young Thug “mumbles” in his music. The dude is clearly a mumbler.
Since most people mumble and slur their words when they’re drunk, I am going to assume Thugger experiences a reverse effect when he's drinking, meaning he mumbles sober but speaks clearly when he’s hammered.
I wanna see what Thug’s non-mumbly voice sounds like. I guarantee he has a secret British accent. We need to find out.
TYLER, THE CREATOR
Finally, I can ask Tyler face to face why he used to be so obsessed with murdering American treasure Bruno Mars in 2011. I could even try to eek my way into free tickets to Camp Flog Gnaw, or an A&R job for The Grinch II soundtrack.
Tyler is famously straight edge; he’s never had a drop of alcohol in his life... Yet, I will shamelessly peer pressure him into drinking beer like a teen-aged villain in a D.A.R.E. video. Imagine having the legacy of “the man who corrupted Tyler, The Creator.”
My friends and I have an ongoing bet about how many drinks it takes for Drake to go full “Marvins Room” and text one of his ex-girlfriends.
My friend Erik thinks it's nine drinks. My friend Grant thinks it's 11. I think it's zero.
But it’s time to drink with Drake and settle this once for all. I'm deep in debt, and I desperately need to win this bet.
CHANCE THE RAPPER
One of the things I genuinely love about Chance The Rapper is how openly religious he is. All of my friends mock me when I get spiritual, but Chance gets it.
Imagine getting eight shots deep with Chance and falling into a deep discussion about God, spirituality, and expensive overalls.
How can one man own so many pairs? Through the power of the Lord, that’s how.
When your buddy drunkenly passes out, the all-time classic prank is to draw a dick on his face in sharpie. I think that’s immature, but with Post Malone, it would be hilarious. He has so many face tattoos it would take him like two months to notice.
And yes, I know, Post Malone is not actually a rapper.
I wanna have a drink with Donald Glover for one IMPORTANT reason: to finally have a drunken heart to heart about the cancellation of Community. That show is the most underrated sitcom of all time and fuckin' NBC murdered it like Eminem did Hov on "Renegade." Sickening.
Granted, Glover was rude enough to leave halfway through season five, so I will use my drunken confidence to bravely confront him about that selfish decision.